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Alison Pill - Scott Pilgrim Vs The World Script Lyrics

1 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY 1

Snowy suburbs of Toronto. From a nondescript house we hear:

KIM PINE
Scott Pilgrim is dating a high schooler?

2 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' KITCHEN - DAY 2

Four twenty-somethings lounge around a small kitchen table
STEPHEN STILLS, 25, shaggy hair, Canadian Cowboy chic

STEPHEN STILLS
Really? Is she hot?
KIM PINE, 22, cute, bitter, sweatshirt with a zipper

KIM PINE
How old are you now, Scott? Like
Twenty-eight?

SCOTT
I'm not playing your little games

KIM PINE
So you've been out of high school
For like, 13 years and-
SCOTT
I'm twenty-two. Twenty-two!

STEPHEN STILLS
And you're dating a high school
Girl? Not bad, not bad
YOUNG NEIL, 20, simple mind, layered T-shirts

YOUNG NEIL
Like, did you guys 'do it' yet?
SCOTT PILGRIM, 22, fresh faced and charmingly cocky with an
Unruly yet adorable mop of hair

SCOTT
We have done many things.
We ride the bus.
We have meaningful conversations about how yearbook club went and about her friends, and, um...you know...drama

STEPHEN STILLS
Yeah, okay, have you even kissed her?

SCOTT
We almost held hands once, but then
She got embarrassed
KIM PINE
Well. Aren't you pleased as punch?

STEPHEN STILLS
So, what's her name?

SCOTT
(pleased as punch)
Knives Chau. She's Chinese

STEPHEN STILLS
(under his breath)
Chinese...
Young Neil pauses his Nintendo DS

YOUNG NEIL
Wicked! How'd you meet her?

SCOTT
I believe I mentioned the bus?
Scott Pilgrim prepares to tell an amazing story:

3 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 3

KNIVES CHAU, 17, cute and innocent with clothes to match
Sits next to her mother, MOTHER CHAU, 45, demanding
MOTHER CHAU
You are seventeen year old! Time to
Get interested in boy!

KNIVES CHAU
Mom!
Knives DROPS her bag, books scattering everywhere

MOTHER CHAU
You drop book
Knives crouches down to pick up her books, grumbling

SCOTT (O.S.)
Hey...
Knives looks up to see the cute and gallant SCOTT PILGRIM
Holding her books. TEXT appears in an on-screen box:

"SCOTT PILGRIM, 22 YEARS OLD, RATING: AWESOME."
Stars appear in Knives's eyes. Scott grins heroically. Scott
Winks at Knives. Scott winks at the camera

4 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' KITCHEN - DAY 4

Back in the kitchen, everyone looks at Scott...

KIM PINE
Is that seriously the end of the story?


SCOTT
Yes. It is
Young Neil unpauses his Nintendo DS

STEPHEN STILLS
So when do we get to meet her?

KIM PINE
Oh please. Let it be soon
DINGY DONG! The doorbell rings. Scott smiles broadly

SCOTT
That's for me

5 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 5

An eager Knives stands outside. Scott opens the door a crack

SCOTT
You promise to be good?

KNIVES CHAU
Of course I'll be good!

SCOTT
No, really. Please be good

KNIVES CHAU
Am I normally not?
Stephen Stills comes to the door and peers through

SCOTT
Oh, hey. Knives, this is Stephen
Stills. He's the talent

STEPHEN STILLS
Hey
STILLS shuts the door on a confused Knives

STEPHEN STILLS
Is she gonna geek out on us?

SCOTT
She'll just sit in the corner, man

STEPHEN STILLS
I mean, I want her to geek out on us

B>SCOTT
She'll geek. She geeks. She has the
Capacity to geek

Stephen Stills quickly opens the door and waves Knives in

(CONTINUED)

STEPHEN STILLS
You're good

6 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 6
Knives enters, looking around the rehearsal pad with awe:
Bare bulb, ratty rug, drums, guitar, bass, LAME BRAND amps

KNIVES CHAU
Wow

SCOTT
Knives, that's Kim. Lemme get your coat
Scott throws Knives' coat on the floor. Knives waves

KNIVES CHAU
Hi, sorry, what was your name?

KIM PINE
Kim

KNIVES CHAU
You play the drums?
REVEAL Kim sitting behind the drumset, sticks in her hands

KIM PINE
...yes

KNIVES CHAU
That is so awesome

SCOTT
Knives, that's Young Neil

KNIVES CHAU
Hi. What do you play?

YOUNG NEIL
Uh, wow...Zelda...Tetris...that's
Kind of a big question
Knives stares blankly at Young Neil, who finally gets it

YOUNG NEIL
Oh. I'm not in the band. I just
Live here
Sex Bob-Omb has geared up. Amps hum to life

SCOTT
Let's start with Launchpad McQuack

STEPHEN STILLS
That's not the actual title of the-

KIM PINE
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! 1-2-3-4!
Kim BASHES the kit and Sex Bob-Omb EXPLODE INTO ROCK! GUITAR

AND BASS LEADS LEAP INTO THE AIR, SPELLING OUT OUR TITLE...

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD
TITLES continue over the song as the small rehearsal space
Seems to GROW with the music. Stephen Stills barks
Unintelligable lyrics
Knives watches, jaw ajar. The song ends, feedback lingering

KNIVES CHAU
You guys...are so...amazing

7 EXT. BUS STOP - EVENING 7

Scott bids adieu to a stunned Knives as she gets on a bus

KNIVES CHAU
I can't even...Sex Bob-Omb
Amazing

8 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' ROOM - EVENING 8

The band and Young Neil lounge around Stephen Stills' room

STEPHEN STILLS
She seems nice

SCOTT
Yeaaah

YOUNG NEIL
She seems awesome

SCOTT
Yeaaah

KIM PINE
Scott, if your life had a face I
Would punch it

SCOTT
Yeaaah...wait, what?

KIM PINE
I mean, are you really happy or are
You really evil?

SCOTT
Like, do I have ulterior motives or
Something? I'm offended, Kim

STEPHEN STILLS
Wounded even?

SCOTT
Hurt, Kim

KIM PINE
You? Hurt?
Scott takes a breath, turns to Young Neil

SCOTT
Neil, you were saying she seems awesome

YOUNG NEIL
Yeah, she seems awesome

SCOTT
Yeaaaah...

9 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - EVENING 9

Scott hangs his coat up in a tiny, one room apartment. He
Turns to WALLACE WELLS, dark hair, arched eyebrow, disloyal

"WALLACE WELLS, ROOMMATE, 24 YEARS OLD, FUN FACT: HE IS GAY!"

SCOTT
Before you hear some dirty lies
From someone else, yes, I'm dating
A 17 year old
Wallace looks up from the NOW magazine he's reading

WALLACE
Is he cute?

SCOTT
Ha, ha, ha, ha

WALLACE
Does this mean we have to stop
Sleeping together?

SCOTT
Do you see another bed in here?
TINY BOXES OF TEXT indicate the ownership of the items in the
One room flat: 95% belongs to Wallace, FUTON included

WALLACE
Yeah. You're totally my bitch forever

SCOTT
So. The whole seventeen year old
Thing. Don't tell too many people

WALLACE
Hey, you know me



SCOTT
I mean. Don't tell my sister

WALLACE
You know me
Wallace tosses the NOW magazine aside, starts texting

SCOTT
Who are you texting?
RINGY RING. The phone goes. Scott picks up

STACEY (O.S.)
Seventeen years old? Scandal!
Intercut with STACEY PILGRIM, cute, peppy barista, gabbing on
Her cellphone in THE SECOND CUP. A sign behind her reads 'œIf
You are using your cellphone, you will not be served'

"STACEY PILGRIM, YOUNGER SISTER, 19, RATING: 'T' FOR TEEN."

SCOTT
That's not true. Who told you?

STACEY
Wallace. Duh

SCOTT
That gossipy bitch

WALLACE (O.S.)
You know me
Scott turns to see Wallace on a second cordless

SCOTT
Wallace!
Wallace clicks off. Scott sinks into an armchair

STACEY
Who is this mysterious child you date?

SCOTT
Her name is Knives. Knives Chau

STACEY
A seventeen year old Chinese
Schoolgirl? You're ridiculous

SCOTT
It's a Catholic school too

STACEY
With the uniform and everything?



SCOTT
Yeah, the whole deal

STACEY
Oh my God, you haven't-

SCOTT
No no no. We haven't even held
Hands. I think she hugged me once

STACEY
Um, Scott. Why are you doing this?

SCOTT
I don't know...it's just nice, you
Know? It's just...simple

STACEY
It's been over a year since you got
Dumped by she-who-will-not-be-named
Scott glances down at the partially obscured NOW magazine
Looking into the HOT GIRL'S EYES on the back cover album ad

STACEY (CONT'D)
So, are you legitimately moving on
Or is this just you being insane?
Scott looks at a strip of photobooth pictures: he smiles next
To a hot redhead in happier times

SCOTT
Can I get back to you on that?
A SCHOOL BELL clangs loudly...

10 EXT. CATHOLIC SCHOOL - DAY 10

Wallace and Scott stand outside a CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL
Uniformed boys and girls pour out

WALLACE
I do not want to be here. At all

SCOTT
This school has boys too

WALLACE
I hate you. Even I would think twice
About dating a seventeen year old

SCOTT
Well, she's only allowed out when
The sun is up, so I wouldn't call
It dating, more like...


WALLACE
Playtime?

SCOTT
That doesn't sound so good either



KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Scott! Heyyyy!
Knives skips to Scott. Her shy friend TAMARA lingers behind

SCOTT
Hey Knives, this is my cool gay
Roommate, Wallace Wells. He's gay

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, hi! Do you want to know who in
My class is gay?

WALLACE
Yes. Does he wear glasses?

SCOTT
Wallace, you go now! Begone!
Wallace pulls Knives close. Whispers

WALLACE
You're too good for him. Run

11 INT. THE ARCADE - DAY 11

Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION (think a martial
Arts version of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION)
They punch and kick in unison, side by side

SCOTT
Did you know the original name of Pac-
Man was Puck-man? You would think it's
Because Pac-Man looks like a yellow
Hockey puck, but actually it comes
From the Japanese phrase paku-paku
Which means to flap ones mouth open
And closed. They changed it over here
Because Puck-Man is too easy to
Vandalize. You know, scratch out the P
And turn it into an F or whatever?
Knives flips over Scott's back in a COMBO move

KNIVES CHAU
Ohmigod, like...wow

SCOTT
Yeah. Wow
The game ends. CONTINUE appears, counting down: 10...9...8...
Scott looks at Knives. She digs for quarters

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, I got it!

Scott and Knives leave a pizza joint, slices in hand

KNIVES CHAU
Tamara is into this Korean guy
Bobby, but everyone thinks Bobby
Has a crush on Mina

SCOTT
I thought Derek and Tamara had a
Mutual like-each-other thing going
What happened?

A13 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY A13

Scott and Knives shop for T-shirts. Hangers click in time

KNIVES CHAU
I don't listen to much music. I
Know a lot of kids who play piano
Or whatever, but you guys ROCK

SCOTT
I knew I personally rocked, but I
Never suspected that we rocked as a
Unit. Thank you, Knives

13 INT. SONIC BOOM (RECORD STORE) - DAY 13

Scott and Knives flip through records in perfect sync

KNIVES CHAU
I mean, you guys are gonna be HUGE

SCOTT
Well, we're already pretty big. But
It might be cool if cool people
Wore our T-shirt
Knives speaks to a female clerk, surly with tats and specs:

"JULIE, 22, STILLS' GIRLFRIEND, RATING: WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?"

KNIVES CHAU
Excuse me, do you have anything by
'The Clash At Demonhead'?

JULIE
Have you tried the section marked
'The Clash At Demonhead'?

SCOTT
Thank you, Julie

JULIE
Are you coming to my party Friday
Or will you be busy babysitting?

SCOTT
Thank you, Julie

(TO KNIVES)
You don't want to listen to her



SCOTT (CONT'D)
And you definitely don't want to
Listen to them
Scott puts The Clash at Demonhead CD back in the rack

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, I heart them so much

SCOTT
I hearted them too until they signed
To a major label and the singer turned
Into a total bitch and ruined my life
But that's just me

KNIVES CHAU
(OBLIVIOUS)
Envy Adams is sooo cool. Do you
Read her blog?

SCOTT
Sorry, you were saying about me?

14 EXT. SNOWY TORONTO STREET - DAY 14

Scott and Knives amble down a snow covered sidewalk

KNIVES CHAU
I mean, I've...I've never gone out
With someone so talented

SCOTT
You go out with a lot of guys?

KNIVES CHAU
...no

SCOTT
Yeah, so whatever, man!

KNIVES CHAU
I've never even kissed a guy
Knives blushes and looks at the ground. Scott hugs her

SCOTT
Me neither

15 EXT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - DAY 15

Scott and Knives walk up to the front of Wallace's apartment

KNIVES CHAU
So this is your secret lair? Can I
Come in?

SCOTT
My secret lair is one of those 'no
Girls allowed' deals

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, okay

SCOTT
But do you want to see the house
Where I grew up?

KNIVES CHAU
Sure
They literally walk across the street to a small house

SCOTT
Here you go

KNIVES CHAU
Wow

SCOTT
Yeah. Wow
Wind blows. The light snowfall turns into sand...

16 EXT. THE DREAM DESERT - HOTTEST DAY 16

...Scott wanders alone through a barren land. He falls to his
Knees next to a lonely cactus

SCOTT
Oh God...so...so alone
A MYSTERIOUS GIRL rollerblades across the shifting sands. She
Wears fishnets, an army jacket, skirt and goggles. Her pink
Hair is funky but cool. She is hotter than the desert sun

< b>MYSTERIOUS GIRL [Ramona]
You're not alone. You're just
Having some idiotic dream

SCOTT
Does that mean we can make out?
But she's gone...

17 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - ? 17

...SCOTT WAKES UP, sitting up in the FUTON

SCOTT
Oh God...
Wallace wakes up to the left of Scott, rubbing his eyes

WALLACE
What is it, Scott?

SCOTT
I had this totally weird dream

OTHER VOICE
Oh God

WALLACE
What is it, Scott?
A scruffy, goateed guy wakes right between Scott and Wallace:

"OTHER SCOTT, 22, WALLACE'S BOYFRIEND? FUN FACT: GUY CURIOUS"

OTHER SCOTT
Can we skip the dreamtime? Color me
Not interested

SCOTT
But there was this girl...

WALLACE
Girl?

OTHER SCOTT
Was this an Envy related dream?

WALLACE
We don't use the E-word in this house

SCOTT
No, it wasn't her. It was somebody new...

OTHER SCOTT
Yay for that
Other Scott goes back to sleep. Wallace rubs his eyes

WALLACE
Speaking of new, weren't you
Supposed to take your fake high
School girlfriend to the library a
Half-hour ago?

SCOTT
What? It's like, six in the morning
Scott opens the bathroom door. Sunlight ignites the room

SCOTT (CONT'D)
Arrrrgh!


KNIVES CHAU
What's wrong?

Scott is noticeably taller than all the teens in the library
He carries a stack of books for Knives

SCOTT
Libraries remind me of grade school

KNIVES CHAU
That must seem like a reeeeally
Long time ago

SCOTT
Uh. Let's talk about something else
The hiss of ball bearings catches Scott's attention. He
Freezes as he sees THE ROLLERBLADING GIRL FROM HIS DREAM
Skating towards the desk in SEXALICIOUS SLOW MOTION

KNIVES CHAU
Do you know that girl?
The Rollerblading Girl delivers a package from AMAZON.CA to
The librarian. Scott's gaze follows the GIRL as she blades
Out of the library. Pensive guitar underscores his thoughts

KNIVES CHAU
Scott?
Scott continues to stare at the girl. Time slows to a crawl

STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)

SCOTT!

19 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - EVENING 19

Scott stands in the rehearsal room, head still in the clouds

STEPHEN STILLS
You only played one note for that
Entire song

SCOTT
It was...uh...my hand slipped

KIM PINE
Is your girlfriend distracting you?

SCOTT
My girlfriend?
A meek Knives sits next to Young Neil on the couch

KNIVES CHAU
I'll... I'll be quieter

STEPHEN STILLS
Let's do that one again


SCOTT
Sorry, what are we doing?

20 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT 20


STEPHEN STILLS
I told you like fifty times!

Scott, Kim Pine, Stephen Stills and Young Neil walk down an
Icy Toronto street. Scott's head is still in the clouds

KIM PINE
We're going to this party, retard

SCOTT
Party?

YOUNG NEIL
At Julie's

SCOTT
Ugh. I thought you guys split

STEPHEN STILLS
We did. But, you know, there may be
Some label guys there, so...

SCOTT
Aw, man. This is going to suck

KIM PINE
At least it will give us something
To complain about

SCOTT
Awww maaan...

21 INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT 21

A bored Scott stands next to Young Neil in a very crowded
House party. Both have red plastic cups in hand

SCOTT
...this sucks

YOUNG NEIL
Sucks

SCOTT
I'm going to go pee due to boredom
Scott exits frame

YOUNG NEIL
I have to pee

Neil sips his drink
Scott passes by COMEAU, a bespectacled hipster geek:

'˜COMEAU, 25, FUN FACT: KNOWS EVERYONE (INCLUDING YOU)'

SCOTT
Hey Comeau

COMEAU
Hey Scott. Some party huh? You
Gettin' your drink on?



INTEGRATED FINAL 16

21 CONTINUED: (2) 21

SCOTT
This is Coke Zero. I don't drink

COMEAU
You don't drink? I remember you
Getting ridiculously drunk off two
G&T's one time and-

SCOTT

(QUICKLY)
Comeau, you know everyone, right?

COMEAU
Pretty much

SCOTT
Do you know this one girl with hair
Like this?
Scott sketches an incomprehensible drawing of Ramona

COMEAU
Yeah man. Ramona Flowers. Someone
Said she was coming tonight actually

SCOTT
WHAT?

COMEAU
You got the hots for her? I hear
She's hardcore...
Scott has already left a Scott-shaped dust cloud...

22 INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 22

Scott scans the party. His eyes go WIDE. He CRUSHES his
Plastic cup. There she is...playing the wall...RAMONA! Aloof
Enigmatic. Hot. Scott sidles up and stands next to her

SCOTT
Hey, what's up?

RAMONA
Nothing

SCOTT
Hey, you know Pacman?

RAMONA
I know of him
Scott begins to babble

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT
Well you know Pac-Man was
Originally Puckman but not because
Pac-Man looks like a hockey puck
And paku-paku-paku means flapping
Your mouth and they changed it
Because if you scratch out the "P"
And turn it into an "F'? You know?
Like...

RAMONA
Yeah that's amazing

SCOTT
Um...am I dreaming?
Ramona looks at Scott blankly. He slowly skulks away

SCOTT (CONT'D)
I'll leave you alone forever now

"THEN HE STALKED HER FOR THE REST OF THE PARTY..."
Series of quick shots as Scott follows Ramona. He ducks
Around corners, spies from behind a much bigger dude. Ramona Leaves the party

Scott grabs a startled Young Neil

SCOTT
DUDE!

YOUNG NEIL
WHA?

SCOTT
SHE'S TOTALLY REAL!

YOUNG NEIL
WHO!?

STEPHEN STILLS
RAMONA FLOWERS!

YOUNG NEIL
WHUH?

JUMP CUT. Scott RUNS towards Comeau

SCOTT
DUDE. What do you know about Ramona
Flowers?!

COMEAU
All I know is she's American

SCOTT
(EXOTICALLY)
American...

COMEAU
But you should talk to Sandra and

MONIQUE-

"SANDRA AND MONIQUE, 24, TWO GIRLS COMEAU KNOWS"

SCOTT
LADYDUDES! What do you know about
Ramona Flowers?


MONIQUE
I think she has a boyfriend

SANDRA
Some guy back in New York

MONIQUE
Doesn't she have the most
Ridiculous name?

SANDRA
I know. It's so 'œRamona Quimby
Aged 8' and yet...Flowers
The girls laugh. Scott does not

SCOTT
Yeah. What else?
JUMP CUT through a FLURRY OF FACES as Scott asks everyone

ABOUT RAMONA:

PARTYGOER #1
I heard she kicks all kind of ass

PARTYGOER #2
She's on another level

PARTYGOER #3
She's got men dying at her feet

PARTYGOER #4
She's got some battle scars

PARTYGOER #5
Not to be entered into lightly
We end on the surly JULIE (the rude clerk) who steps in front
Of Scott, arms crossed. Stephen Stills is with her

JULIE
What about Ramona Flowers?

SCOTT
You know her? Tell me. Now

JULIE
She just moved here. Got a job with
Amazon. Comes into my work

SCOTT
Does she really?

STEPHEN STILLS
Didn't you say she just broke up
With someone, Jools?


SCOTT
Did she really?

STEPHEN STILLS
That they had a huge fight or whatever?

SCOTT
Did they reeeally?

JULIE
...yes. But I didn't want Scott to
Know that, Stephen


SCOTT
Yeah, I don't know what it is about
That girl, she just-

JULIE
Scott, I forbid you from hitting on
Ramona. Even if you haven't had a
Real girlfriend in over a year-

STEPHEN STILLS
Hey whoa, whoa. Scott's mourning
Period is officially over. He's
Totally dating a high schooler

JULIE
Dating a high schooler is the
Mourning period

STEPHEN STILLS
She's got a point

SCOTT
I thought you guys broke up

JULIE
I don't want you scaring off the
Coolest girl at my party Scott. We
All know you're a total lady killer
Wannabe jerky jerkSCOTT
That's garbage! Completely untrue

JULIE
That time with Lisa-

SCOTT
Misunderstanding

JULIE
That time with Hollie-

SCOTT
Not what it looked like!

JULIE
That time you dumped Kim for-

SCOTT
Hey, me and Kim are all good now
SCOTT looks to KIM. We hear the sound of arctic winds

JULIE
Whatever, Ramona is out of your
League, let's leave it at that

JULIE (CONT'D)
And anyway, I'm not even sure she
Really did have a big breakup. She
Keeps mentioning some guy named
Gideon

SCOTT
(NOT LISTENING)
Yeah, I don't know what it is about
That girl, she just-

JULIE
Forget it Scott!!!

23 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 23

Scott lies on the futon, WIDE awake. Wallace storms in

WALLACE
Guess who's druuunk?

SCOTT
I guess Wallace

WALLACE
You guess right
Wallace flops onto the futon, landing next to Scott

SCOTT
So, that girl. From my dream

WALLACE
Girl. Okay...

SCOTT
I saw her at the library...

WALLACE
Library...can I pretend we're
Talking about a guy?

SCOTT
So then I'm at this party, and hey!
There she is

WALLACE
There he is

SCOTT
I think she's...

WALLACE
You think he's...

SCOTT
I think she's the girl of my dreams

WALLACE
Mmm. Then you should break up with
Your fake high school girlfriend

SCOTT
I've never been so sure about
Something

WALLACE
Then you should break up with your
Fake high school girlfriend

SCOTT
What's that?

WALLACE
Break...up...fake...high
School...girlfriend...

SCOTT
I'm not getting it, friend
Wallace drifts off. RINGY RING! Scott answers. INTERCUT with
STACEY sitting on a bus on her cellphone

STACEY
You're thinking of juggling two chicks!?

SCOTT
Not even!

STACEY
Well, you should break up with your
Fake high school girlfriend

SCOTT
Wait. Who told you?

STACEY
Duh. Wallace

SCOTT
He's not even conscious!

STACEY
Whatever. You of all people should know
How sucky it is to get cheated on

SCOTT
Don't you have a job to do?

STACEY
You're right. I should send out a
Mass text about this. Bye
Scott looks to Wallace, who is out cold, cellphone in hand

(CONTINUED)


SCOTT
Wallace, how do you do that?
HARD CUT to MORNING LIGHT filling the room!

SCOTT (O.S.)

WALLACE!
Wallace sits bolt upright. Scott sits at Wallace's computer

SCOTT (CONT'D)
Amazon.ca. What's the website for that?

WALLACE
...Amazon.ca

SCOTT
Awesome! I have to order something
Reeeally cool

COMPUTER "You've got mail!"

SCOTT
Dude! This thing claims I have mail!

WALLACE
It's amazing what they can do with
Computers these days

SCOTT
Dude! Now I'm reading it!

WALLACE
I'm so happy for you

SCOTT
"Dear Mr. Pilgrim, It has come to
My attention that we will be
Fighting soon. My name is Matthew
Patel, and I'm" blah blah 'œfair
Warning' blah blah...hmm. This
Is...this is...THIS IS...!!!

WALLACE

WHAT?!

SCOTT
This is boring. Delete!
CLICK.' Scott walks to the front door. Moments pass

WALLACE
Scott. Are you waiting for the
Package you just ordered?

SCOTT
Maybe

WALLACE
It's the weekend. It won't ship
Until Monday at the earliest


DINGY DONG
Scott JUMPS to his feet

SCOTT
You were saying?
Scott opens the door. It's KNIVES CHAU!

SCOTT
Heyyy...

KNIVES CHAU
Attack hug!
Knives smothers Scott

SCOTT
Attack hug. That's cute
He plasters on his best fake smile

KNIVES CHAU
Remember you were supposed to meet
Me at the bus stop a half-hour ago?

SCOTT
How could I possibly forget?

24 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 24

Scott and Knives flip through the record bins, out of sync

KNIVES CHAU
Yearbook club is getting SO boring
I cannot believe the music they put
On while we work

SCOTT
That's sucky

25 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY 25

Knives buys a hip and trendy jacket. Scott sits on a couch
Next to the DO NOT SIT sign, still distracted

KNIVES CHAU
Hannah broke up with Alan and now
She's all into Derek...

SCOTT
Uh huh

26 EXT. PIZZA PIZZA - DAY 26

Scott and Knives walk out of a pizza joint. Knives chows down
On a slice. Scott doesn't eat, his thoughts elsewhere


KNIVES CHAU
...but Tamara claims she has dibs
On Derek

SCOTT
I tell ya'

Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION, side by side
Scott plays halfheartedly, his timing off

KNIVES CHAU
Combo!
Knives goes to flip over Scott, but he messes up. THE MIRROR
IMAGE of Scott's videogame avatar appears on screen

KNIVES CHAU
Uh oh, NegaNinja
NEGANINJA - squares up against Scott's avatar

SCOTT
I can never get past that guy
Scott has his little videogame head cut off. The 'œCONTINUE?'
Countdown comes up...10...9...8...

KNIVES CHAU
Do you want to keep going?
Scott takes a long look at Knives

SCOTT
Um, I think...I think...
Scott takes a deep breath. This is never easy. 3...2...1...

28 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - EVENING 28


STEPHEN STILLS
Game on, everybody. Game. On
An excited Stills addresses Sex Bob-Omb. Scott tunes his
Bass, alone by the window, staring out

STEPHEN STILLS
I got us a show

KNIVES CHAi
OH MY GOSH WHEN?!
Knives BURSTS into frame. Scott winces

STEPHEN STILLS
Wednesday, The Rockit. And even
Better? It's the T.I.B.B

KNIVES CHAU
The Toronto International Battle of
The Bands?!


STEPHEN STILLS
S'right. This guy at work was like
"Steve, do you know anyone in a
Band?" and I was like 'œI'm in a
Band' and he was like 'œYou're in a
Band?' and I was like 'œYeah I'm
Totally in a band'-

KIM PINE
Great story, man

KNIVES CHAU
Is there a prize or something?!

STEPHEN STILLS
Only a record deal with G-man Graves!

SCOTT
What? Who?

KNIVES CHAU
You don't know?

STEPHEN STILLS
Indie Producer of the millennium?!

SCOTT
Oh

YOUNG NEIL
Whoa
Stills gestures to Knives' home-made Sex Bob-Omb T-shirt

STEPHEN STILLS
If we win...it won't just be Knives
Wearing a Sex Bob-Omb shirt. It'll
Be the cool kids too
Knives can barely contain herself. She grabs Scott

KNIVES CHAU
I will do everything I can to get
Out of study group and come

SCOTT
Sure. Great
We follow Scott as he walks in a daze to the bathroom

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Oh my gosh, who are you battling?

STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
Crash and the Boys


YOUNG NEIL (O.S.)
That one band with Crash? And
Those Boys?

KIM PINE Yeah that's the one

YOUNG NEIL I hate them!

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Oh my gosh, I hate them too!

STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
Yeah, they suc

29 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE, BATHROOM - EVENING 29

Scott pees in a state of dreamy reverie. The PEE BAR above
His head slowly reduces. He stares at himself in the mirror
Scott exits the bathroom, entering...

30 INT. DREAM HIGH SCHOOL - ? 30

...a long, empty HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY. Scott's footsteps echo
As he moves towards a classroom door with a STAR on it...
RAMONA FLOWERS bursts through the door, skating past Scott
And down the hall, PACKAGE from AMAZON clutched in her hand
Scott runs after her, around a corner, down a row of LOCKERS
Leading to...the outside of WALLACE'S APARTMENT???

31 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 31

Scott LEAPS out of the futon and RUNS towards the front door
THROWING IT OPEN and startling Ramona Flowers just as she
Presses the doorbell. DINGY DONG...

SCOTT
Hi, um, I was thinking about asking
You out, but then I realized how
Stupid that would be

(BEAT)
Do you want to go out sometime? RAMONA
Um, no, that's okay. You just have
To sign for this alright?

SCOTT
I just woke up, and you were in my
Dream. I dreamt you were delivering
Me this package. Is that weird?

RAMONA
It's not weird at allSCOTT
It's not?

RAMONA
No, it's just like, you've got this
Really convenient subspace highway
Running through your head that I
Like to use. It's like three miles
In fifteen seconds

SCOTT
Right...

(CONTINUED)

RAMONA
Oh yeah. I forgot you guys don't
Have that in Canada

SCOTT
You don't remember me do you? I met
You at the party the other day

RAMONA
Were you the Pac-Man guy?

SCOTT
No. Not even. That was some total
Ass. I was the other guy. You're
Ramona Flowers right?

RAMONA
That's meSCOTT
So, you're like American?

RAMONA
Why, am I coming off as rude?

SCOTT
Not at all. Noooooo...
Scott stands in awe of Ramona. She gives him a pen

RAMONA
You know...you need to sign for
This. Whatever this is?SCOTT
It's something really cool. You'd
Be impressed

RAMONA
You still have to sign

SCOTT
But if I sign for it, you'll leave

RAMONA
Yeah. That's how it works

SCOTT
Okay well, can we just maybe just
Hang out sometime? Get to know each
Other? You're the new kid on the
Block, right? I've lived here
Forever. I mean...there are reasons
For you to hang out with me?

RAMONA
You're all over the place

SCOTT
You are like...my dream girl

RAMONA
I need to find a new route

SCOTT
Either that or you need to start
Hanging out with me

RAMONA
You want me to hang out with you?

SCOTT
Um...you know...if that's cool

RAMONA
If I say yes, will you sign for
Your damn package?
Scott finally signs on the dotted line. And throws the
Package straight in the trash

SCOTT
Done. So, yeah. Eight o'clock?


Scott finds Ramona waiting at the top of some stairs in the
Park. The Toronto skyline gleams in the night behind them

SCOTT
Why are you just standing there?

RAMONA
Dude, I'm totally waiting on you

SCOTT
Sorry, I just assumed you were too
Cool to be on time

RAMONA
Well. You assumed wrong

SCOTT
So what do you want to do? We could
Get a slice at Pizza Pizza or flip
Through some records at Sonic Boom
Oh, or there's this awesome game
Called Ninja Ninja Revolution at-


RAMONA
I'm not into simulated violence

SCOTT
I'm cool with whatever you want to do

RAMONA
This is good
Scott and Ramona trudge through the snow in the empty park

SCOTT
This is good. So how'd you end up in
Toronto?

RAMONA
Just needed to escape I guess

SCOTT
Oh yeah?

RAMONA
I got this job here. And Gideon had
Always said Toronto was one of the
Great cities so...

SCOTT
Is Gideon...is he your boyfriend?

RAMONA
He's...a friend

SCOTT
Was he your boyfriend?

RAMONA
Do you mind if we don't get into
That right now?

SCOTT
It's so not interesting to me
They sit on some swings in the park

RAMONA
So what about you? What do you do?

SCOTT
I'm between jobs

RAMONA
Between what and what?

SCOTT
My last job is a long story filled
With sighs

RAMONA
I know plenty of those

SCOTT
Is that why you left New York?

RAMONA
Pretty much. It was time to head
Somewhere a little more chilled

SCOTT
Well, it's certainly chilled here

RAMONA
Yeah
Uh. Chilled as in cold

RAMONA
Yeah

SCOTT
I'm totally obsessed with you

RAMONA
I didn't mean to get you obsessed

SCOTT
I just haven't been obsessed with a
Girl for a long time. It's weird

RAMONA
That's probably because you sleep
With a guy

SCOTT
Um...

RAMONA
I was guessing from your apartment
But you totally do!


SCOTT
It's... we're just poor! We can't
Afford two beds! We're not gay!
Actually... no... Wallace is pretty
Gay

RAMONA
Dude, relax. I believe you. You're
Too desperate to be gay

SCOTT
I feel so stupid

RAMONA
Aw... you're probably not that
Stupid
Laughing, Ramona hops off her swing

SCOTT (CONT'D)
I'm... mostly stupid

RAMONA
Well, you're definitely stupid if
You want to go out with me

SCOTT
Exactly, yeah
The snowfall gets heavier

RAMONA
This is ridiculous. Isn't it like April?

SCOTT
Yeah. I can barely see you. This whole
Thing is an unmitigated disaster

RAMONA
I think 'act of God' is a pretty
Decent excuse for a lousy date

SCOTT
So this is a 'date', eh?

RAMONA
Did I say 'date'? Slip of the tongue SCOTT
Tongue...
The snow gets heavier still. Ramona walks away RAMONA
Anyway, night's not over yet. I think
There's a thingy up here somewhere SCOTT
A thingy?

RAMONA
A door

SCOTT
A door? I... I... I can't see you
I'm blind. Help me

A door with a STAR on it appears out of the whiteness. Ramona Opens the door
Scott and Ramona fall into blackness...

35 INT. RAMONA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 35

Scott shivers at the kitchen table of Ramona's cozy, girl
Friendly apartment. He watches as she slips out of her coat

RAMONA
What kind of tea do you want?

SCOTT
There's more than one kind?

RAMONA
We have blueberry, raspberry
Ginseng, sleepytime, green tea, green
Tea with lemon, green tea with lemon
And honey, liver disaster, ginger
With honey, ginger without honey
Vanilla almond, white truffle
Blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut
Constant comment and earl grey

SCOTT
Did you make some of those up?

RAMONA
I think I'll have sleepytime SCOTT
That sounds good to me

RAMONA
Let me get you a blanket

SCOTT
That would actually be awesome
Ramona exits. After a moment alone, Scott ventures upstairs
He wanders towards a half open door. Pushing it open, he
Finds Ramona in her bedroom in her bra and skirt

RAMONA
Dude! I'm changing
Scott covers his eyes and our screen goes BLACK

SCOTT (O.S.)
AAAH! Sorry, I'm just...cold!RAMONA (O.S.)
Here, does this help?SCOTT (O.S.)
That's...very warm. What is that?

35 CONTINUED: 35
Scott opens his eyes to see Ramona hugging him

SCOTT
Ohh...kay
They look into each others eyes...camera circles Scott and
Ramona as they begin an awesome make out session. Scott
Imagines himself soundtracking the kiss with a slinky bassline
Ramona breaks off, smiling. Scott is in heaven

SCOTT
Were you..were you just going to
Bring the blanket from your bed?

RAMONA
I guess...

SCOTT
Maybe...maybe we should both get
Under it...since we're so cold

RAMONA
Well...what about our tea?

SCOTT
I can...not have tea
The slinky bassline continues as Ramona takes her skirt off
Revealing black panties to complement black bra. Scott takes
His shirt off. They tumble onto the bed and make out. Then-

RAMONA
I changed my mind

SCOTT
Changed it to what? From what?

RAMONA
I don't want to have sex with you
Pilgrim. Not right now

SCOTT
Ohh...kay

RAMONA
It's not like I'm gonna send you
Home in a snowstorm or anything
You can sleep in my bed. And I
Reserve the right to change my mind
About the sex later
Ramona curls up next to Scott


SCOTT
This is cool, just this. It's been
Like a really long time, and this
Is...I think I needed this
Whatever this is. So, thanks

RAMONA
You're welcome
They exchange a smile. Then without warning we jump cut to -

36 INT. RAMONA'S ROOM - MORNING 36

DAYLIGHT! Scott awakens. Ramona is gone. An arrow points to
The empty spot in the bed next to him

'NO RAMONA'
Another arrow point out that-

'œSHE'S IN THE SHOWER'
Ramona steps out of the bathroom in a towel. Scott relaxes

RAMONA
I have to work

SCOTT
Work?

RAMONA
You have to leave

37 EXT. RAMONA'S APARTMENT - MORNING 37

Ramona skates towards the front gate, Scott walking next to
Her. WAIST DEEP SNOW covers the roads and sidewalks

SCOTT
Hey, can this not be a one night
Stand? For one thing, I didn't even
Get any...that was a joke

RAMONA
What did you have in mind?

SCOTT
Umm...oh, come to the first round
Of this battle of the bands thing

RAMONA
(TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED)
You have a band?

SCOTT
Yeah, we're terrible. Please come

RAMONA
Sure
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
Ramona shrugs and ROLLERBLADES through the snow...(somehow)

SCOTT
Wait! Can I get your number?
SSSSHHHOOP! Ramona skids to a stop, right back next to Scott
She hands him a note. '˜RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665, xxxxxxx'˜

SCOTT
Wow, girl number
Scott looks back up. Ramona is already skating far, far away

RAMONA
See you at the show, Scott Pilgrim

SCOTT
Oh, hey! It's tonight...At The-

38 INT. THE ROCKIT - NIGHT 38


'œTHE ROCKIT, FUN FACT: THIS PLACE IS A TOILET'
Ramona wades through a grungy venue under the stare of young
Hipsters, reaching Scott at the bar. He stands with Wallace
And Stacey. She holds hands with a guy wearing glasses

SCOTT
You totally came!

RAMONA
Yes. I did totally come
Scott is so amazed at her presence, his social skills vanish

STACEY
Excuse my brother. He's chronically
Enfeebled. I'm Stacey

RAMONA
Hey

STACEY
And this is Wallace, his room-mate

WALLACE
Hey

STACEY
And this is my boyfriend Jimmy

WALLACE
(staring at Jimmy)
Heyyy STACEY
And this is Knives, Scott's-
Scott goes white. He didn't even see Knives come in

SCOTT

HEYYYYYYYY!

KNIVES CHAU
Hey
Knives pecks Scott on the cheek. He pushes her away. Knives
Looks kinda sexy, wearing makeup and new clothes

KNIVES CHAU
Do you like?

SCOTT
I...uh...
LEONE STAREDOWNS all around. Stacey stares at Scott. Knives
And Ramona stare at each other. Wallace stares at Jimmy

SCOTT (CONT'D)
Have. To. Go
Scott scurries off. We hear feedback from a mic onstage

PROMOTER
This next band are from Brampton
And they are Crash And The Boys

39 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 39

Scott runs backstage to see Stills obsessively flipping
Through a chart with hand drawn stats of their rival band

STEPHEN STILLS
This is a nightmare. Is this a
Nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up

KIM
Once we're on stage you'll be fine

STILLS
We were just on stage. For sound
Check. The sound guy hated us

SCOTT
It's just nerves! Pre-show jitters
People love us. Right?
Scott sounds less than convincing. He looks up at Ramona and
Knives sitting with Wallace, Jimmy and Stacey in the BALCONY


Crash and The Boys tune up. A drunk Wallace turns to Jimmy

WALLACE
Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?

JIMMY
They...haven't started playing yet

WALLACE
That was a test, Jimmy. You passedCRASH Good evening. I am Crash, and these
Are the Boys WALLACE
IS THAT GIRL A BOY, TOO?

CRASH
Yes
TRASHA, 8 year old girl drummer, gives Wallace the finger

A41 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS A41

Sex Bob-omb peer at the band from offstage. Kim glowers

KIM PINE
They have a girl drummer?

B41 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS B41


CRASH
This is called "I am so sad. I am
So very very sad." And it goes a
Little something like this
Crash and the Boys play a whole song in .04 seconds

CRASH
Thank you
Wallace yells from the balcony

WALLACE

IT'S NOT A RACE, GUYS!

CRASH
This song is for the guy who keeps
Yelling from the balcony, and it's
Called "We Hate You, Please Die."

WALLACE
Sweet! I love this one!



STEPHEN STILLS
These guys are good. Are these guys
Good?
Kim Pine scowls harder than ever

STEPHEN STILLS
These guys are good


CRASH
This is called "Last Song Kills
Audience". It'll be our last song
Tonight and your last song EVER...
Sound explodes from the stage. The audience are stunned

Stills paces backstage as the others watch the band

STEPHEN STILLS
How are we supposed to follow this?
We're not going to win, we're not
Gonna sign with G-Man and we'll
Never play opening night at the
Chaos Theatre

(FREAKING OUT)

GODDAMN IT SCOTT, WILL YOU STOP

JUST STANDING THERE, YOU'RE

FREAKING ME OUT!

44 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 44

As Crash And The Boys climax, Stacey turns to Ramona

STACEY
So, how do you know Scott?

RAMONA
He's...um. He's a friend

STACEY
Hard for me to keep track
Sometimes. He has so many friends
Ramona arches an eyebrow. Stacey turns to Knives and Tamara

STACEY
So Knives, how did you meet Scott?



Scott looks up into the balcony, sees Stacey talking to
Knives. He turns around and slaps Stephen Stills in the face

SCOTT
We gotta play now and loud!

46 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 46

Stacey and Ramona listen intently to Knives' story

KNIVES CHAU
Well, I was on the bus with my Mom-
Knives freezes, staring at the stage

RAMONA
Is that seriously the end of the story?

KNIVES CHAU
OH MY GOSH, they're on!

47 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 47

ONSTAGE: A DISHEVELED PROMOTER walks to the mic

PROMOTER
This next band is from Toronto
And...yeah. So give it up for
Sex...Bob-Omb?
SEX BOB-OMB walk on. Wallace and Knives give the only cheers

STEPHEN STILLS
Scott...you ready?
Scott nods vigorously

STEPHEN STILLS
Kim...you rea-

KIM PINE

WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB. ONE, TWO...
ANGLE on Knives. She faints in the excitement

KIM PINE (CONT'D)

THREE, FOUR!
Sex Bob-omb rock out, barely into the first verse when a
Chunk of ceiling CRASHES down and a SPINDLY INDIAN HIPSTER
KID DIVES HEAD FIRST through the hole, finger pointed at
Scott as he sails towards the stage!


MATTHEW PATEL lands onstage and glares at Scott through a
Lopsided fringe. He wears an evil grin and a jacket that
Borders on flamboyant. He drags on a cigarette (blacked out)

MATTHEW PATEL
Mr. Pilgrim. It is I, Matthew
Patel. Consider our fight...begun!

SCOTT
What did I do?
Matthew Patel leaps in the air and sails toward Scott

SCOTT
What do I do?!

WALLACE
FIGHT!

Scott throws his bass to Young Neil and BLOCKS Patel with his
Left arm, then PUNCHES him across the floor with his right
Patel LANDS like a cat, FLIPS his fringe and GLARES at Scott

MATTHEW PATEL
Alright. Alright

WALLACE
Watch out! It's that one guy!

SCOTT
Thank you, Wallace!
Patel RUNS at Scott. Scott SPIN KICKS Patel in the chin and
Sends him flying into the air. They land in THE PIT, knocking
Hipsters down and squaring off in the resulting circle

MATTHEW PATEL
You're quite the opponent, Pilgrim

SCOTT
Who the hell are you anyway?
The LIGHTING GUY spotlights the fighters

MATTHEW PATEL
My name is Matthew Patel and I'm
Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend!

SCOTT
You're what?

MATTHEW PATEL
Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend!
All eyes WHIP up to Ramona...


RAMONA
Anyone need another drink?

Patel attacks Scott with spin kicks. Scott blocks. Patel
Punches. Scott blocks, then holds his hand up for a time-out

(CONTINUED)

SCOTT
We're fighting because of Ramona?

MATTHEW PATEL
Didn't you get my e-mail explaining
The situation?

SCOTT
I skimmed it

MATTHEW PATEL
You will pay for your insolence!
Patel attacks, landing kicks and punches. Scott evades and
Counter-attacks. Patel evades, then lands more punches. Scott
Jump-spins away from danger. They pause, breathing heavy

WALLACE
What's up with his outfit? OTHER HECKLER
Yeah! Is he a pirate?
Scott looks at Patel's outfit

SCOTT
Are you a pirate?

MATTHEW PATEL
Pirates are in this year!
Patel attacks again. They exchange furious blows, until Patel
Puts Scott in a choke hold. Scott looks up to Ramona

SCOTT
You really went out with this guy?

RAMONA
Yeah, in the seventh grade
The Lighting Guy SWINGS the spotlight to Ramona in the
Balcony. We see a sketchy childlike ANIMATED FLASHBACK

RAMONA (CONT'D)
It was football season and for some
Reason, all the little jocks wanted
Me. Matthew was the only non-white
Non-jock boy in school, probably in
The entire state, so we joined
Forces and took 'em all out. We
Were one hell of a team. Nothing
Could beat Matthew's mystical
Powers. Nothing but pre-teen
Capriciousness. We only kissed
Once. After a week and a half, I
Told him to hit the showers


The spotlight swings back onto Scott and Patel


SCOTT
Dude, wait...mystical powers?
Patel levitates into the air and points at Ramona

MATTHEW PATEL
You'll pay for this, Flowers!
Patel SNAPS his fingers and launches into a BOLLYWOOD SONG!

MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
If you want to fight me, you're not
The brightest. You won't know
What's hit you in the slightest
Patel levitates into the air. Four hot girls in skirts with
Fangs and bat-wings appear in the air around him

MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
Me and my fireballs and my Demon
Hipster Chicks, I'm talking the
Talk because I know I'm slick
Patel and the Demon Hipster Chicks shoot FIREBALLS at Scott
He flips back onto the stage, narrowly dodging the attack

MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
Fireball Girls! Take this sucker
Down
The Demon Hipster Chicks unleash more fireballs. Scott
Dodges. The house drum kit is trashed behind him

MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
Let us show him what we're all
About
Scott hits the ground, dodging a third wave of fireballs
They explode Crash and the Boys in the wings

SCOTT That doesn't even rhyme
Scott rolls across the stage, GRABS one of Kim's CYMBALS and
Throws it Captain America style. It hits Patel square in the
Eyes. POOF, the Demon Hipster Chicks vanish MATTHEW PATEL
This is impossible, how can it be?!
Scott leaps into the air. Patel opens his eyes just in time
To see Scott Pilgrim's FIST racing towards his face

SCOTT
Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see
K.O! Scott punches Patel. He explodes into COINS. They
Clatter to the stage floor. Scott lands and picks them up

SCOTT
Sweet. Coins

48 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 48

Ramona makes her way out fast. Passes Stacey


RAMONA
Well, it was great meeting you
Tell your gay friends I said bye

STACEY
Gay friends?
Stacey turns to see Wallace and Jimmy making out

STACEY
WALLACE?! Not again!
Ramona passes Knives, who is being resuscitated by Tamara

49 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 49

Scott picks up the coins onstage and counts them

SCOTT
Aw man. $2.40? That's not even
Enough for the bus home

RAMONA
I'll lend you the 30 cents
Ramona yanks Scott away. The Promotor ambles back onstage

PROMOTER
Yeah...so like, Sex Bob-Omb wins

50 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 50

Knives is now wide awake, clapping wildly from the balcony
Her eyes scan the venue for Scott...but he is long gone

51 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 51


SCOTT
Sooooooo...
A bemused Scott and mortified Ramona sit on the bus home

SCOTT
What was all that all about?

RAMONA
Uh, I guess...
Ramona takes a breath. Looks deep into Scott's eyes

RAMONA (CONT'D)
If we're going to date, you may
Have to defeat my seven evil ex's

SCOTT
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?

RAMONA
Seven ex's, yes

SCOTT
So I have to fight-

RAMONA
Defeat

SCOTT
-defeat your seven evil ex's if
We're going to continue to date

RAMONA
Pretty much

SCOTT
So, what you're saying is...

(BEAT)
We are dating?

RAMONA
Uh, I guess

SCOTT
Cool. Do you want to make out?

RAMONA
Uh...
Scott kisses Ramona. The studio audience 'awwww's

52 OMITTED 52

53 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 53

A bleary Wallace fries bacon. Scott bursts through the front
Door, a spring in his step. The studio audience applauds

WALLACE
Someone's happy

SCOTT
Well, someone got to second base
Last night. And someone has a
Second date tonight

WALLACE
Someone's lucky then

SCOTT
You know when I say '˜someone', I mean
Me, right? I got to second base last
Night...maybe first and a half
Wallace shoots a look at the idiotically upbeat Scott


SCOTT (CONT'D)
Oh, hey, I'm inviting Ramona over for
Dinner, so you can't be here tonight
I don't want you gaying up the place

WALLACE
Okay, Scott. But in return I have
To issue an ultimatum

SCOTT
One of your famous ultimatums?

WALLACE
It may live in infamy...You have to
Break up with Knives. Today. Okay?
Scott huffs and helps himself to some of Wallace's bacon

SCOTT
But...but...it's HARD

WALLACE
If you don't do it, I'm going to
Tell Ramona about Knives. I swear
To God, Scott

SCOTT
But you...you're...
At this point a sleepy JIMMY wanders out of the bathroom and
Helps himself to coffee

JIMMY
Morning
Scott points bacon at Wallace accusingly

SCOTT (CONT'D)

DOUBLE STANDARD!

WALLACE
I didn't make up the gay rulebook
If you have a problem with it, take
It up with Liberace's Ghost

SCOTT
You're a monster

WALLACE
Now put the bacon down and go do
Your dirt while I watch the Lucas
Lee marathon on TBS Superstation

SCOTT
Who's Lucas Lee?
Wallace points to a hunky actor on the cover of NOW magazine


WALLACE
He was this pretty good skater and
Now he's this pretty good actor


WALLACE (CONT'D)
He's filming a Winifred Hailey
Movie in Toronto right now

SCOTT
They make movies in Toronto?

WALLACE
Yes. I am stalking him later

SCOTT
So, this Lucas Lee-

WALLACE
Lucas Lee is not important to you
Right now! Get out

SCOTT
You suck. Surprising no one
Scott grumbles off. Wallace turns the television way up. We
See Lucas Lee on a payphone in some crummy thriller

LUCAS LEE (ON TV)
Listen close and listen hard
Bucko. The next click is me hanging
Up. The one after that...is me
Pulling the trigger

54 EXT. PAYPHONE ON BUSY STREET - DAY 54

A shivering and annoyed Scott dials the payphone

SCOTT
Oh, hey, Knives. Um, do you want
To, like, talk or whatever?

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Are you wearing a tan jacket? Like
A spring jacket? And a hoodie?

SCOTT
Ummm...
Scott checks what he's wearing. SPOOKY MUSIC underscores

KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
And a dorky hat?!

SCOTT
It's not dorky! Why are you psychic?
A beaming Knives knocks on the payphone glass

SCOTT (CONT'D)
Oh. Uh...okay. Hi









INTEGRATED FINAL 47

55 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 55

The SPOOKY MUSIC continues on in the record store
Scott is on edge as Knives geeks over a standee for THE CLASH
AT DEMONHEAD: it features sultry blonde singer ENVY ADAMS
Posing and the rest of the band shrouded in shadow and mist

KNIVES CHAU
I can't believe they're coming to
Town. Will you take me to the show?

SCOTT
Yeah, listen-
The SPOOKY MUSIC gets louder, pounding inside Scott's head

KNIVES CHAU
Oh, hey, I wanted to invite you
Over for dinner

SCOTT
Like, Chinese food?

KNIVES CHAU
Yeah

SCOTT
Hmm. It's not my favorite

KNIVES CHAU
Yeah. Well, to meet my parents
It's my birthday dinner

SCOTT
Uh...I think that's a really bad
Idea. Like, really, just so bad

KNIVES CHAU
No, it's okay. Why?

SCOTT
Well I mean, I'm too old for you!

KNIVES CHAU
No you're not! My Dad is nine years
Older than my Mom...

SCOTT
And...and...are you even allowed to
Date outside your race or whatever?

KNIVES CHAU
I don't care. I'm in...LOVE!


55 CONTINUED: 55
Knives is so smitten, the word actually appears onscreen
Scott brushes it away. The SPOOKY MUSIC comes to a stop

SCOTT
Um, listen...I was thinking we
Should break up or whatever



KNIVES CHAU
Really?

SCOTT
Yeah...um...it's not going to work out

KNIVES CHAU
Oh...
Scott walks out, leaving Knives in the aisle

56 INT. THE BUS / RECORD STORE - DAY 56

Scott sits on the bus alone, thinking about Knives
CROSSCUT with Knives still in the record store, in shock
ON THE BUS: Scott sighs, thinks of something happier...
CROSSCUT with Ramona: rollerblading, her funky pink hair
ON THE BUS: Scott smiles, a little happier

57 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS' BASEMENT - EVENING 57

Sex Bob-Omb tune up. Kim spins a drumstick in her fingers

KIM PINE
Where's Knives? Not coming tonight?

SCOTT
Oh. No. We broke up
Young Neil PAUSES his DS. Kim and Stills share a look

SCOTT (CONT'D)
OH! Check it out, I learned the
Bass line from Final Fantasy 2
Scott plays the insanely simple video game tune

KIM PINE
Scott, you are the salt of the earth

SCOTT
Aw, thanks

KIM PINE
Wait. I meant scum of the earth

SCOTT
Aw, thanks

YOUNG NEIL
You...you broke up with Knives?


SCOTT
Yeah, but don't worry, maybe you'll
Meet my new new girlfriend soon

YOUNG NEIL
Newnew
Kim mimes shooting herself. Stills unplugs Scott's amp

STEPHEN STILLS
Okay! From here on out, no
GIRLFRIENDS or GIRLFRIEND talk at
Practice, whether they're old, new
Or new-new. We were lucky to
Survive that last round. This is
Sudden death now. Okay?

SCOTT
Okay!

DINGY DONG...

SCOTT (CONT'D)
That's for me
Scott opens the door to see Ramona, now sporting BLUE HAIR

SCOTT (CONT'D)
Hey...you're here?

RAMONA
Yes. Like you said. Is it not cool?
Scott ushers her in, weirded out by this hair development

SCOTT
You know your hair?

RAMONA
I know of it

SCOTT
It's all blue

RAMONA
Yeah. I just dyed it. Are you going
To introduce me?

SCOTT
Oh yeah, this is Stephen Stills
Young Neil, that's... Kim

RAMONA
Hey everyone
Everyone mumbles back. Scott still stares at Ramona's hair


SCOTT
Is it weird not being pink anymore?


RAMONA
I change my hair every week and a
Half, dude. Get used to it
(to Sex Bob-Omb)
So...uh...how do you guys all know
Each other?

YOUNG NEIL
High school, I guess?

STEPHEN STILLS
What Neil said

YOUNG NEIL
I'm Neil

KIM PINE
Believe it or not, I actually dated
Scott in high school

RAMONA
Got any embarassing stories?

KIM PINE
Yeah. He's an idiot
Scott fake laughs. Starts ushering Ramona out again

SCOTT
Okay. Cool. See you guys tomorrow

STEPHEN STILLS
Uh, what about rehearsal?

SCOTT
Neil knows my parts

YOUNG NEIL

(TO STILLS)
I'm Neil

58 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 58

Ramona lounges, reading a magazine. A tense Scott hurries
Around the kitchen area, preparing food as Wallace looks on

WALLACE
Are you doing okay there?

SCOTT
Yeah, good. Good
Ramona goes to the bathroom. Scott drops the act

SCOTT
She changed her hair



WALLACE
So? It looks nice blue


SCOTT
I know, but she changed it without
Even making a big deal about it
She's spontaneous. Impulsive
Fickle. Oh my god, what do I do?

WALLACE
I can't believe you were worried
About me gaying up the place
Ramona returns. Wallace pulls on a jacket

RAMONA
How's dinner coming along?

SCOTT
Yeah, good. Good

WALLACE
I'll leave you lovebirds to it. I'm
Heading up to Casa Loma to stalk my
Hetero crush
Scott stops Wallace at the door, with a panicked whisper

SCOTT
Don't go

WALLACE
Will you man the hell up? You could
Get to 2nd and a half base

SCOTT
You think so?

WALLACE
Well, if you strike out in the next
Hour, come find me at the Castle

SCOTT
'œIf I strike out'?

WALLACE
Okay, 'œwhen'. See you in sixty

'15 MINUTES LATER'
Ramona and Scott eat on the floor, picnic style. Scott has
Cooked garlic bread (and only garlic bread) for dinner

RAMONA
This is actually really good garlic bread SCOTT
Garlic bread is my favorite food. I
Could honestly eat it for every
Meal. Or just all the time without
Even stopping

RAMONA
You'd get fat

SCOTT
No. Why would I get fat?

RAMONA
Bread makes you fat

SCOTT
Bread makes you FAT??

'15 MINUTES LATER'
A nervy Scott serenades Ramona on his bass guitar

SCOTT
So I wrote a song about you

RAMONA
Oh yeah?

SCOTT
Yeah, it goes like this: Ra-mona
Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ra-mona
Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ooooh

RAMONA
I can't wait to hear it when it's
Finished

SCOTT
Finished?

'15 MINUTES LATER'
Scott makes out with Ramona on the futon. Scott smiles as she
Runs her hands through his hair

RAMONA
Your hair's pretty shaggy

SCOTT

OH GOD! I NEED A HAIRCUT DON'T I?!?
Scott sits up like a shot. Ramona is taken aback

RAMONA
What?

(CONTINUED)









INTEGRATED FINAL 53

58 CONTINUED: (4) 58

SCOTT
Ha. No, sorry. It's just that I
Got... I got a bad haircut right
Before me and my big ex broke up. But
It's so long ago, I can barely
Remember it...
A deep voiced NARRATOR chimes in. Earl Jones deep

NARRATOR
Scott is acutely aware that his last
Salon haircut took place exactly 431
Days ago, three hours before his big
Breakup. He blames this largely on the
Haircut and has been cutting his own
Hair ever since

RAMONA
Sounds like a bad time

SCOTT
Not really

NARRATOR
It was

SCOTT
It was a mutual thing

NARRATOR
It wasn't

SCOTT
I mean, she told me it was mutual

NARRATOR
She dumped him. It was brutal

RAMONA
What was her name?

SCOTT
She was Nat when I knew her. But
She stopped liking that name
Then...she stopped liking me...

RAMONA
Your hair is cute. I like it long

SCOTT
But it'd be cuter short! Wouldn't it?!
Scott disappears and just as quickly reappears, now wearing
His dorky SNOW HAT, hair tucked tightly beneath the flaps

RAMONA
What? Why are you wearing that?


SCOTT
I thought we could go for a walk

59 EXT. ENDLESS STAIRWAY - NIGHT 59


'15 MINUTES LATER'
Scott and Ramona climb a STAIRWAY, long handrail between them

RAMONA
Tell me we didn't come out here
Just so you could cover your hair
With that hat

SCOTT
Nooo. I just love me some walking
Putting one leg in front of the other

RAMONA
You seem a little...heightened

SCOTT
Yeah. I don't know. I just, when I'm
With you I feel like I'm on drugs. Not
That I do drugs, unless you do, in
Which case I do drugs all the time
Every drug, but...you make me feel...I
Don't know. Things seem a little
Brighter around you or something
Ramona and Scott finally reach the top of the stairs and
NIGHT TURNS TO DAY, as if crossing a magical line

RAMONA
What is this place?

SCOTT
A totally awesome castle. They're
Shooting this movie up here
Ramona looks up at the looming CASA LOMA, a castle surrounded
By big, bright movie set lights

RAMONA
Who's in it?

SCOTT
Winifred Hailey and some actor guy

RAMONA
Oh, who?

SCOTT
I forget. Let's find out









INTEGRATED FINAL 55

60 EXT. CASA LOMA - CONTINUOUS 60

A crew readies a shot of WINIFRED HAILEY held hostage by some
GOON. A STAND IN takes the place of the leading man. Scott
And Ramona approach some SPECTATORS, including Wallace

RAMONA
Did you find the guy you're stalking?

WALLACE
I think I'm about to right now

FIRST A.D
Mr. Lee is travelling!

RAMONA Mr. Lee? WALLACE
Lucas Lee

RAMONA
Ooh

SCOTT
Ooh?
The UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FANFARE announces LUCAS LEE as he exits
His trailer, smoking a cigarette (blacked out). He skates
Towards the set, doing kickflips. The spectators go 'œoooh'

WALLACE
I want to have his adopted babies

RAMONA
Oh, man. We gotta go

SCOTT
What? Why?

RAMONA
I used to date that clown

WALLACE
Slut

RAMONA
Wallace. I am not a slut


WALLACE
I can think of no higher accolade
Lucas steps to his mark and puffs up into action hero mode

LUCAS LEE
Action
Lucas Lee points his board at the GOON

SCOTT
Oh...my...God...

LUCAS LEE
Hey. The only thing keeping me and
Her apart is the two minutes it's
Gonna take to kick your ass

SCOTT
...you dated a FAMOUS guy?!

RAMONA
In 9th grade. We had drama. Actually
It might have been math. I just
Remember there being lots of drama

LUCAS LEE

HEY!!!
Lucas Lee points at Scott, who remains oblivious

RAMONA
He just followed me around. He was
A little snot nosed brat

SCOTT
He had snot? In his nose? But he's
Famous!

LUCAS LEE

HEY!!!

RAMONA
It's not a big deal. I only dated
Him for a week and a half-

LUCAS LEE
I'm talking to you Scott Pilgrim!
Lucas Lee stomps towards Scott, who gasps

SCOTT
He's famous and he talked to me!


LUCAS LEE
The only thing keeping me and her
Apart is the two minutes it's gonna
Take to kick your ass!

SCOTT
Can I get-
POW! Lucas Lee punches Scott, flooring him. Scott comes back
Up with a pen and paper, wobbly

SCOTT
Can I get your autograph?
POW! Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He nods to Ramona

LUCAS LEE
Sup. How's life? He seems nice
Lucas Lee THROWS Scott up into a castle turret, crumbling it
Scotts CRASHES down through scaffolding onto the set. Lucas
Holds up his hands for a quick continuity photo, then stomps
Over to pick up a dazed Scott from the ground

WALLACE
Scott. Evil ex. Fight


LUCAS LEE
Think you stand a chance against an
A-lister, bro?
Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He slides across the wet-down
Ground. A SET NURSE sprays Lucas' knuckles with antiseptic

LUCAS LEE
Some competish you are
Lucas Lee wanders off. Scott staggers to his feet, punchy

SCOTT
Hey... hey... hey! I'm not done-
Scott spins Lucas around, only to find an identical STAND IN!

LUCAS LEE
Looks like you're seeing double
Scott turns to see the real Lucas, smirking on the sidelines
POW! The identical Stand In punches Scott to the ground

LUCAS LEE
He's good, right? Sometimes I let
Him do wide shots if I feel like
Getting blazed back in my winnie
Scott stands to fight the double. Suddenly, COUNTLESS
STUNTMEN fan out behind the STAND IN, all identically
Dressed, all carrying skateboards and ready to rumble

LUCAS LEE
I'm nothing without my stunt team
The Stuntmen ATTACK Scott Pilgrim with a howl. Scott PUNCHES
Through a couple of the boards, Tae Kwon Doe style

WALLACE
Ask them how it feels to always get
His sloppy seconds!

SCOTT
How does it feel to-
KROW! Scott takes a skateboard to the face, followed by a
Barrage of crippling skateboard blows to his knees and ribs

LUCAS LEE
I'm gonna get coffee. You homies
Want anything?
We follow the smirking Lucas to the coffee station. We hear
The noise of punching and kicking slowly subside to nothing

SCOTT
Mr. Lee?



60 CONTINUED: (4) 60
Lucas turns, shocked to see Scott, in front of a PAINTED 2-D
SKYLINE BACKDROP, surrounded by many unconscious stuntmen

SCOTT
You're needed back on set
Scott CHARGES Lucas Lee and leaps into a FLYING KICK. Lucas
GRABS his foot and hurls him through the backdrop. RRRIP!
Scott lands in a CRUMP, framed through the torn skyline
Lucas stomps over to him, preparing for the deathblow

LUCAS LEE
Prepare... prepare to feel the wrath
Of the League of Evil Exes!

SCOTT
The League of Evil Axes?

LUCAS LEE
You really don't know about the
"The League"?

SCOTT
Ummm...

LUCAS LEE
Seven evil exes? Coming to kill
You? Controlling the future of
Ramona's love life?

SCOTT
...no

LUCAS LEE
Oh, well then don't worry about it

SCOTT
Really?

LUCAS LEE
Yeah, bro. Let's get a beer
Lucas offers a hand. Scott goes to shake it. POW! Lucas gets
Him square in the mouth. Scott smiles through his aching jaw

SCOTT
You are a pretty good actor

LUCAS LEE
I'm going for the Oscar this year

SCOTT
But are you a pretty good skater?



LUCAS LEE
I'm more than pretty good, ese
I have my own skate company
Lucas pulls down his shirt, revealing a skate company tattoo

SCOTT
So you can sell them, but can you
Do a thingy on that rail?
Scott points to the LONG HANDRAIL on the stairs

LUCAS LEE It's called a grind, bro SCOTT
So can you do a grind thingy now?

LUCAS LEE
Are you serious? There's like 200
Steps and the rails are garbage

SCOTT
Hey, if it's too hardcore...

LUCAS LEE
You really think you can goad me
Into doing a trick like that?

SCOTT
There's girls watching

LUCAS LEE
Somebody get me my board
Wallace taps Lucas' shoulder and hands him his skateboard

WALLACE
Hi. Big fan

LUCAS LEE
Why wouldn't you be?
CLACK! Lucas GOES FOR IT, a perfect ollie onto the rail
Scott and Wallace watch as Lucas disappears from sight
Sparking down the ENDLESS RAIL...HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...
Cut back to Scott & Wallace, impressed at Lucas

SCOTT
Wow

HSSSSSSSSS...
Cut back to Scott & Wallace, very impressed at Lucas


SCOTT
Wow

HSSSSSSSSS...
Cut back to Scott & Wallace. Scott's about to say '˜wow' when-
BOOOOOOOOM! A fireball appears from the bottom of the stairs

WALLACE
Wow, he totally bailed

SCOTT
Yes!
Fist bump. Scott smacks his forehead

SCOTT
I didn't get his autograph


FIRST A.D
Uh...that's a wrap everybody

SCOTT
Where's Ramona? Is she still here?

WALLACE
No, she totally bailed

SCOTT
What's the deal? Seriously

61 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - DAY 61

Scott slumps on the couch, phone pressed to his ear. Wallace
Cooks bacon in the kitchen (no pants). We hear the OUTGOING
MESSAGE: This is an automated voice messaging system. RAMONA
Is not available, please record your message after the beep

SCOTT
Hey. It's me, Scott again. Call me
Back. Scott Pilgrim

(HANGS UP)
What's the deal? Seriously
Scott ambles over to the fridge and rests his head on it

WALLACE
Yeah, you said that last night

SCOTT
You know what really sucks though?

WALLACE
What?

SCOTT
Everything!

WALLACE
Come on guy, you can't say you
Didn't see this coming. It was
Right under your nose
Wallace points to the NOTE Ramona scribbled which is pinned
Literally under Scott's nose on the refrigerator:
RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665, xxxxxxx

WALLACE
What did you think these were?

SCOTT
Kisses? Seven little kisses?

WALLACE
Seven deadly X's


Wallace cocks an eyebrow. Scott slides to the floor

SCOTT
Why does everything h