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Andrew Campana - Kitchen Stadium Lyrics

Long before reality show cooking competitions were the norm
there was Iron Chef: an odd little Food Network import from Japan
complete with its own pageantry, its own mythology
an on-­‐scene reporter, two colour commentators
and a Chairman with a luscious voice and Liberace clothes
sensuously biting into a yellow bell pepper at the beginning of each episode
as majestic soundtracks from long-­‐forgotten Westerns
spooned on their sonic gravitas like so much béchamel.

The Iron Chefs were my heroes.
I'd hide under the covers and pretend to be them
rising up on their platforms amidst billowing smoke into Kitchen Stadium
like judges in a Daoist hell:
Rokusaburo Michiba, Iron Chef Japanese
who solemnly wrote down his planned menus
in a flowing hand with an ink-­‐drenched brush.
Hiroyuki Sakai, Iron Chef French
who I would tell anyone within earshot
was known as the "Délacroix of French cuisine"
even though I didn't know who Délacroix was and had never eaten French food.
Chen Kenichi, Iron Chef Chinese
who my Bengali mother would always root for
because his food looked the spiciest
and Masahiko Kobe, Iron Chef Italian
the loser.
The judges were just as memorable.
Sachiko Kobayashi, singer and supreme diva
who wore dresses and neck ruffs half the width of the judging table
and once performed a concert standing on the hands of a giant statue
of herself.
Kazuko Hosoki, a red-­‐lipsticked neocon
who happened to be the world's richest fortune teller.
But most important of all was Asako Kishi
food critic, and terrifying, unsmiling grandmother figure
condoner of no bullshit, inevitably giving scores
three points lower than everyone else
earning her the nickname in the Japanese press of
the "East German Judge."

My mind, though, always goes back to the deleted scenes from one episode.
Battle Chinese Cabbage. The challenger, Cui Yufen,
was 57 years old, and used to cook for Chairman Mao
one of the few women to ever appear on the show
and the only one from China.
I remember her third dish being set before the judges
almost ludicrously simple-­‐looking
Chairman Kaga asking her to describe it
and she said through her interpreter,
"It's just cabbage and mustard."
The judges, skeptical, took their first bite.
After a long silence, Asako Kishi, the East German Judge,
was the first to speak
her voice breaking ever so slightly.
"This is the best thing I've ever eaten," she said
as she picked up the bowl and raised it to her lips.