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Sabrina Carpenter - A Nonsense Christmas With Sabrina Carpenter Script Lyrics

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TITLE SEQUENCE

Cut to a shot of the back of Sabrina Carpenter's head as she walks through a set. Her song "Buy Me Presents" plays as intro credits fade in and out behind her. An audience applauds as she walks onto a stage. Cut to a wide shot of the stage. Sabrina begins to sing and dance.

SABRINA: Ooh, Bad-doo-doo-doo
If you were a wise man, baby, you would drop
Every other ho, ho, ho and put me on top
Up there on your tree, better treat me like a star
Spend your cookie dough, dough, dough, spend it on my heart
Skip the jet, sеnd the sleigh

Background dancers makе their way onto the stage as more lights come on.

SABRINA: It's a packed holiday, and I got options, babe
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here from the
North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stockin' filled
Well, I know somebody who will
(Somebody who will, somebody who will, somebody who will)
(Buy me presents, baby)

Two of the dancers come up next to Sabrina while the rest move out of sight.
He's a little bit older
Got a bit of a dad bod
From a city that's colder
But damn it, he's so hot
He knows when I'm sleepin'
And he knows when I'm not
I haven't, like, seen him in a while
He's probably just busy at his workshop

The rest of the dancers come back around the stage.

SABRINA: Skip the jet (Skip the jet), send a sleigh (Send a sleigh)
It's a packed holiday, and I got options, babe
If you don't wanna buy me presents

Curtains behind the stage open to reveal a live band and backup singers.

SABRINA: Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here from the
North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stockin' filled
Well, I know somebody who will
(Somebody who will, somebody who will, somebody who will)
(Buy me presents, baby)

A saxophonist emerges below Sabrina and plays a solo. Cut between several shots of Sabrina, dancers, and the band.
SABRINA: Come on, everyone!
If you don't wanna buy me presents
Drink me like a warm glass of milk
If you're not gonna race here from the
North Pole to Beverly Hills
Just to keep my stockin' filled
Well, I know somebody who will

As she sings the last line, the lights dim. Cut to several audience shots. Sabrina steps down the back of the stage. Cut to a medium shot of her behind the stage.

SABRINA: Welcome to A Nonsense Christmas. You could have been anywhere tonight. Spending time with family, helping the less fortunate, but instead you're here, half-watching a big screen while scrolling social media on a smaller screen, and for that I'm forever grateful. This special isn't just about Christmas, though. We're celebrating all the holidays.

The camera tracks her as she begins walking behind the stage.

SABRINA: So happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, and happy birthday Natalie. There's gotta be at least one person named Natalie whose birthday is today, right? Well, either way, strap on, because tonight I'm in the mood for a little nonsense.

She walks behind a curtain. There's an invisible cut as she emerges in a new outfit and is handed a microphone. She begins to sing a rendition of, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" as she walks through the set.

SABRINA: It's the most nonsense time of the year

She passes two extras who are embracing in the hallway.

SABRINA: They gave me a special, they said "It would test well"
As if I had fear
It's the most nonsense time of the year
She passes an extra dressed as Santa who is examining the abs of another extra.

SABRINA: It's the ho, ho-ho-iest special of all
The champagne is bubbling
Entendres are doubling
When I deck your halls
It's the ho, ho-ho-iest special of all

She sits down on a large stuffed bear. An extra begins dragging it on a cart past several people working on the special.

SABRINA: There'll be songs all crescendoing, hot innuendo-ing
Dancers who flex and keep time

She stands up and begins walking again.

SABRINA: There'll be wit for the smarties
And you know the best part is it's all on Netflix's dime

She picks up a large candy cane prop.

SABRINA: No, seriously, they told me I could have an unlimited budget as long as I go viral, so I'm gonna break the set just to do it!

She throws the candy cane through a prop window, shattering it. An unseen man shouts from the other side.

MAN: My leg!

SABRINA: He'll be fine.

She begins walking again.

SABRINA: It's the most nonsense time of the year

She passes an extra reading the script.

SABRINA: If you're hot and you're young
And your stocking's well hung
By the chimney with care

She passes an extra dressed as a reindeer.

SABRINA: It's the most nonsense time of the year

She's hit with a large gust of air from offscreen.

SABRINA: There'll be singing and jesting, celebrity guesting
Huge packages under the tree
I'll be playing my bangers with elf doppelgängers
So please, please, please have faith in me

She stops walking.

SABRINA: There are comedy specials, and there are music specials, and there are holiday specials, but who does musical comedy holiday specials? A lot of people. But do those specials have celebrity guests? Yes, they do! Everyone with a musical comedy holiday special does them with celebrity guests, and this is one of those.

She resumes walking.

SABRINA: There'll be divas so stunning and seasonal punning
And costumes in red and in green
You can watch with your aunties
I might mention panties
But don't fret, it's TV-14

She stops walking.

SABRINA: Which means I'm allowed to say "fuck" three times. Fuck. Ugh. Just one left. Anyways.

She walks out of frame.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE SET

Cut to Sabrina as she passes through a doorway into a set made to look like a house.

SABRINA: Here we are!

Audience applause is heard.

SABRINA: We've arrived at my set. Isn't this cute?

Cut to a shot of the audience. Cut back to Sabrina. The camera pulls back to show more of the house set.

SABRINA: It's exactly what my house looked like growing up. A tree, three walls, and a live studio audience.

The audience laughs and cheers.

SABRINA: It's the most nonsense time of the year
Well, I've learned all my blocking
So please stuff my stocking with holiday cheer

She picks a large star off of the mantlepiece. As she continues singing, she walks up a stairway to put the star on top of a Christmas tree.

SABRINA: It's the most nonsense time
Yes, it's the most nonsense time
What's a third really good rhyme?
Of the year

The tree lights up as she places the star on it.

SABRINA: You're in luck. I've trimmed my tree just for you.

The audience laughs. She winks.

SABRINA: Let's start the show.

She disappears out of frame as she walks up the stairs and the camera pans down to an analog-style TV set. The camera zooms in on the TV's screen as a title card appears with some credits. A montage plays of several scenes from the movie being set up by the crew. Cut to Sabrina getting her hair done in a makeup chair.

SABRINA: Happy holidays.

Cut to a shot of the band from the opening number setting up, then back to Sabrina.

SABRINA: What if it's like, (In a British accent) Happy holiday— (In her normal accent) No, I'm not British. Okay.

Cut to a shot of the dancers from the opening number setting up, then back to Sabrina.

SABRINA: Maybe drier. Happy holidays.

She tries to say it monotone but laughs. Cut to another shot of the opening number being set up.

MAN: Alright, stand by!

Cut back to Sabrina.

SABRINA: (In a sultry voice) Happy holidays. (Normally) That's like, a bit too sultry.

She laughs. Cut to the crew as they set up the next scene.

MAN: We are rolling, we are rolling. Quiet please.

Cut back to the analog TV. Static plays, then a shot of Sabrina in a kitchen set. The camera zooms into the shot. She laughs as she prepares some drinks in a cocktail shaker.

SABRINA: Not gonna say it.

She pours something into the shaker and shakes it.

SABRINA: Okay!

She tries to open the shaker.

SABRINA: Oh, my God.

She tries hitting it open.

SABRINA: Guys, it's frozen.

She manages to open it.

SABRINA: Oh, it's not frozen. Action.

She laughs and pours the drinks.

SABRINA: Little beans.

She sprinkles something into the drinks.

SABRINA: So cute! Mwah. Anybody want a drink?

She picks up the two drinks. "O Christmas Tree" begins to play.

SABRINA: Oh, wow. Thank God we installed that seasonal doorbell.

She walks over to the door. Cut to a wider shot showing several band members on the set. She opens the door to reveal Tyla and gasps as Tyla walks in.

SABRINA: It's Tyla, everybody!

They hug. The band begins playing "This Christmas." Cut to an audience shot as they applaud. Tyla and Sabrina come out to a couch in front of the band and sit down.

SABRINA: Hang all the mistletoe
I'm gonna get to know you better
This Christmas
And as we trim the tree
How much fun it's gonna be together
This Christmas

TYLA: The fireside is blazin' bright
We're caroling through the night

TYLA & SABRINA: And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me

Cut to shots of the audience and the band as Tyla vocalizes.

SABRINA: Tell 'em, Tyla.

Tyla purrs.

TYLA: Presents and cards are here
My world is filled with cheer and you
This Christmas
And as I look around
Your eyes outshine the town, they do
This Christmas

SABRINA: Fireside is blazin' bright
And we're caroling through the night

TYLA & SABRINA: And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me

SABRINA: Shake a hand, shake a hand now

Sabrina gets up.

SABRINA: Come on, everybody, let's dance!

Tyla gets up. The shot pulls back as several dancers enter the set.

TYLA: You all better be standing wherever you guys are watching it.

SABRINA: If you're in your living rooms, come on, dance with us.

TYLA: Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it.

SABRINA: Merry Christmas to your brothers, to your sisters.

TYLA: To your mister.

SABRINA: To your cousins.

TYLA: To your dogs? What?

The audience laughs.

TYLA: Fireside is blazin' bright
We're caroling through the night

TYLA & SABRINA: And this Christmas will be
A very special Christmas for me

SABRINA: Shake a hand, shake a hand now

They both vocalize.

SABRINA: Hey, hey, come on

She vocalizes.

SABRINA: Let's party, everybody!

TYLA: Merry Christmas to everyone back home. Merry Christmas Sabrina.

SABRINA: Merry Christmas Tyla

TYLA: Yeah.

SABRINA: My feathers are all over this place.

Tyla picks up a feather that fell off of Sabrina's outfit and waves it around. Sabrina laughs.

MAN: Cut, and we cut, and we cut.

The set begins to get cleaned up. Cut to a lit fireplace and pan past several decorations. Cut to Sabrina looking at herself in a mirror.

SABRINA: Starting from when I was two years old, my dad would get his VHS and film our Christmas morning every single year, and for some reason I never wanted to open my presents. I just wanted chocolate cake.

Cut to old footage from Sabrina's childhood. She sits on the floor in front of a tree opening a present.

WOMAN: Oh, my gosh!

YOUNG SABRINA: When we're done opening our presents, can we have a piece of cake?

SABRINA'S DAD: Is that all you think about?

She nods.

SABRINA: (Voiceover) I just had an ulterior motive.

Cut back to Sabrina in the present.

SABRINA: And it was chocolate. And it kind of still is. So, (Laughing) there's the story.

Cut to her walking through backstage. She smiles at the camera. Cut to shots of the audience cheering. Cut to her onstage singing "santa doesn't know you like i do" as footage plays behind her.

SABRINA: Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Oh, only I can do that
Why don't you just come over?
You've been actin' so cold
No, I don't want nothin' crazy
Just wanna get you alone
And all of the snow is fallin'
I can make you fall too
So tell me what's on your wishlist
I wanna make it come true
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I've been there through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Oh, only I can do that
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I know all of your favorite songs
Pick up each time you call
So why can't I be the one
To give you everything you want?

Cut to a shot of the band and then a shot of the audience before returning to Sabrina as she continues singing.

SABRINA: I want you to tell me that you feel the same
I don't think I'm gonna make it through the winter
Well, don't you wanna wrap me up and mistle-touch under the tree?
He won't bring you somebody that loves you more than me, no
He doesn't know you like I do
I've been there through the good and bad
Know how to make you laugh
Kiss all your tears away, babe
Oh, only I can do that
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
I know all of your favorite songs
Pick up each time you call
So why can't I be the one
To give you everything you want?
Santa
Doesn't know you like I do
Well, maybe this Christmas time
You'll finally realize
That I could be the one
To give you everything you want

The audience cheers. Pan up from Sabrina to the footage behind her, through which the band can be seen in the background. Cut backstage to Sean Astin dressed as Santa looking at himself in a mirror.

SEAN: I'm working late… Because I'm Santa.

He turns and walks away from the mirror.

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE

Sabrina walks through a hallway in a robe. Owen approaches her.

OWEN: Hey, Sabrina! Can I pitch you a "Nonsense" outro?

She stops walking. A still appears on-screen which reads,
"A Nonsense Outro
noun:
the innuendo-filled ending of
Sabrina Carpenter's song
"Nonsense" which she alters
for each performance.
est. 2022 emails i can't send"

OWEN: Girl, this season's got me feeling feral
Gotta love a dirty Christmas carol
I love it when I don my gay apparel

He laughs nervously and gestures to his clothes.

OWEN: If, like, this was gay, this was gayer.

SABRINA: Right.

OWEN: Do you love that?

SABRINA: Yeah, I—

OWEN: I would use it if I were you.

SABRINA: Owen I gotta go to set.

OWEN: Yeah, no worries!

SABRINA: Just don't sing at me again.

OWEN: Yeah. Have a good day.

He turns and walks down the hall.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE SET

Cut to an establishing shot of a house. The audience applauds. Cut inside. Sabrina, playing "Debbie," sits on a chair opposite two friends, Owen and Megan.

MEGAN: Debbie, I cannot wait to finally get to meet your man. You've been such a bad friend since getting into a relationship. I'm kidding!

They all laugh.

DEBBIE: No, I know. It's like, since we're long distance, it's just been so hard to combine the friend groups, you know?

OWEN: Yeah. Well, I promise we will love him.

DEBBIE: Aw. Oh, speak of the devil.

She checks her phone.

DEBBIE: He's walking up, guys.

She gets up. Her friends squeal and laugh excitedly. Santa enters.

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho! There's my nice girl.

Santa and Debbie hug. Megan and Owen exchange a glance.

DEBBIE: Come on over!

SANTA: Oh, my.

DEBBIE: Oh, you guys, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Nick.

Santa sits in Debbie's chair.

SANTA: Well it is great to meet you. I've heard nothing but great things.

OWEN: Aw. Same, um, as us.

Debbie sits in Santa's lap.

OWEN: Yeah, uh, can I get you anything?

SANTA: Oh, I don't know. Maybe a warm glass of milk?

OWEN: Yuck.

SANTA: Ooh, and an oversize chocolate chip cookie dusted lightly with candy cane shards if you've got it.

OWEN: Oh, bummer. I think we're out of shards.

MEGAN: I'm sorry, are people saying "sharts?"

OWEN: Shards.

MEGAN: Shards.

SANTA: Oh, look at that.

DEBBIE gets up.

SANTA: My clothes are all covered in soot.

DEBBIE: Oh, no!

Santa gets up.

SANTA: I'll be right back.

DEBBIE: Okay.

Debbie sits back down as Santa goes upstairs.

MEGAN: Hey, this is actually insane, but, um, that's Santa Claus, right?

DEBBIE: Oh my God. What kind of a messed-up thing is that to say?

MEGAN: What?

OWEN: Debbie, it's not messed up. Hello. Come on. The big white scruffy beard?

DEBBIE: So? He did no-shave November.

MEGAN: He has the classic big belly.

OWEN: Yeah.

DEBBIE: And there it is. The body shaming. Wow. Wow. What is this, Mean Girls the movie? The musical?

MEGAN: Okay, chill out.

DEBBIE: He's jolly. He's sweet. He's not Santa.

MEGAN: Okay, we'll drop it. He's not Santa.

OWEN: Yeah.

MEGAN: No one's Santa, I guess.

DEBBIE: He's back!

Santa returns.

SANTA: Oh, hey. Ah! I forgot the presents. They're in the car.

He leaves. The audience laughs.

OWEN: Oh, that's so sweet of you, Nick.

MEGAN: So nice.

OWEN: So what does he do for a living that he can buy us all gifts?

DEBBIE: He told me, but I zoned out because it was boring. I think he's like a toy manufacturer or something.

MEGAN: Uh, Deb? That's what Santa does.

DEBBIE: No, because it doesn't pay!

OWEN: What? Why doesn't it pay?

DEBBIE: Yeah, he doesn't make money or have any credit cards. So?

MEGAN: That's creepy.

OWEN: That's weird.

The trio looks up as footsteps are heard above them.

MEGAN: Is your boyfriend on the roof?

DEBBIE: I mean, he's probably fixing something up there. He's super handy 'cause, you know, my boyfriend can actually make something, like a man. Your boyfriend's just a lazy surgeon.

She gestures at Owen. Megan gasps.

OWEN: What the hell, Deb?

DEBBIE: Besides, guys, if he was Santa, then why is he so good in bed?

MEGAN: I'm sorry, is Santa supposed to be, like, bad in bed?

OWEN: No.

DEBBIE: If you read the original Turkish folklore text, Santa doesn't last.

MEGAN: I didn't read that.

Santa re-enters holding two large presents.

SANTA: I brought very intentional gifts.

DEBBIE: How thoughtful.

SANTA: Here you are, my boy.

Santa hands Owen one of the gifts.

MEGAN: It's not weird at all.

OWEN: Wow.

Owen opens his gift as Santa hands the other to Megan.

OWEN: Oh my God, a Nerf Vortex Vigilon.

MEGAN: Thanks, thank you for my gift.

OWEN: I loved these growing up. I asked Santa for this every year.

Santa nods. Megan opens her gift.

MEGAN: A Tickle Me Elmo.

Owen accidentally shoots Megan with the Nerf gun.

OWEN: Oh!

Everyone laughs.

MEGAN: A Tickle Me Elmo.

The laughter continues.

MEGAN: The only time I ever admitted to wanting one of these is my letter to Santa Claus when I was 15.

Santa nods.

DEBBIE: Well, if he's really Santa, then he'd know the only thing I asked for as a little girl was to sing a duet with Shania Twain.

Mrs. Claus enters.

MRS. CLAUS: Sorry.

The audience applauds.

OWEN: Is that Mrs. Claus?

MRS. CLAUS: Is my husband here?

DEBBIE: Your husband? You're married?

She gets up, upset.

MRS. CLAUS: We've been married four hundred years.

SANTA: Yes, but after the first hundred, we decided to be open.

The audience laughs. Megan and Owen share a glance.

MRS. CLAUS: It was my idea.

OWEN & MEGAN: Santa!

DEBBIE: He's not Santa!

The camera pulls back. from the stage. The audience applauds as the sketch ends.

SABRINA: Thank you.

She hugs Shania. Cut back to the analog TV. Static clears to a scene in the kitchen set. Sabrina holds a box of cake mix while Megan and Owen stand nearby.

SABRINA: Thank you guys so much for coming to be in this sketch.

OWEN: Oh my God, it's so fun.

The camera zooms into the scene. Sabrina pours the cake mix into a bowl.

MEGAN: I love your set kitchen, by the way. Does any of this stuff really work?

SABRINA: No, but we're gonna fix it all in post.

She leans behind the counter. Star wipe to Sabrina pulling a finished cake out of the set kitchen's fake oven.

SABRINA: Yum!

OWEN: Wow!

MEGAN: Delicious.

They look at the camera. Sabrina holds up the cake mix box.

CUT TO: INT. STAGE

Star wipe to the stage. The curtains are pulled back and the band is visible in the background. Sabrina and Shania Twain walk onto the stage from opposite sides as "Santa Baby" begins to play.

SABRINA: Hey, Shania.

SHANIA: All right, Sabrina.

SABRINA: Are you ready?

SHANIA: I'm so ready.

They meet in the middle of the stage. The audience cheers.

SHANIA: Santa, baby
Slip a sable under the tree for me
I've been an awfully good girl
Santa, baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight

SABRINA: Mm, Santa, baby
A '54 convertible too, light blue
Yeah, I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa, baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight

SHANIA: Oh, think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed

SABRINA: Well, next year I could be just as good
If you checked off my Christmas list

SABRINA: Santa, baby
I want a yacht and really that's not

SHANIA: That's it?

SABRINA: That's not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa, baby
And hurry down the chimney tonight

SHANIA: Mm, Santa, honey
One little thing I really do need

SHANIA & SABRINA: The deed

SHANIE: To a platinum mine
Santa, baby
Hurry down the chimney tonight

SABRINA: Sing it!

SHANIA: Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany

SABRINA: Said I really do believe in you
And let's see if you believe in me

SHANIA: Santa, baby
Forgot to mention one little thing

SHANIA & SABRINA: A ring

SHANIA: I don't mean on the phone

SHANIA & SABRINA: Santa, baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight

SABRINA: Hurry down the chimney tonight, uh-huh

SHANIA: Hurry down the chimney tonight

SABRINA: Yes, sir
Said hurry down the chimney tonight

SHANIA: Hurry

SABRINA: Hurry down the chimney

SHANIA & SABRINA: Tonight

The audience cheers as the song comes to an end. Sabrina and Shania hug.

SABRINA: Shania Twain everybody!

The audience continues applauding.

SHANIA: That was beautiful, Sabrina.

SABRINA: So beautiful. Oh my God, I can't believe you're here.

The duo makes their way down the front steps of the stage. They wave at the audience as they leave. Cut to a shot of the band, then to Sabrina as she and several crew members walk through the set.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE SET

Cut to an establishing shot of a house. The audience cheers. Cut inside the set as several actors sit around holding gifts, including Sabrina's sister and her sister's husband. Cut to Sabrina as she talks.

SABRINA: I'm one of those girls who believes it's better to give than receive when it comes to presents. I love to spoil my family.

The lights flicker and captions appear on screen as Sabrina begins to perform "What Do I Get My Brother-In-Law?"

SABRINA: My mom loves her purse, daddy loves his telescope
Sammy loves his spy kit, Peter loves his jump rope
Ooh, yeah
My sister Amy gets a bike, brother gets a tambourine
And Amy's husband, Dave, gets… Um, pass

Dave makes a face.

SABRINA: My mom loves cashmere, my father loves photography
And Amy's husband, Dave, loves Amy

Dave kisses Amy.

SABRINA: Giving gifts fills me with joy
Wrapping up each little toy
Eyes so brightly ooh and ah
Now what do I get my brother-in-law?

DAVE: Hey, you haven't given me anything yet.

Sabrina laughs.

SABRINA: Right.

She gestures to her relatives as she resumes the song.

SABRINA: Sammy is a whiz at math, Peter is an athlete
Amy's an adventurer and her husband Dave
I don't really know a lot about
I think he mentioned baseball
Is cash faux pas?
Maybe he likes IPA's
Who is my brother-in-law?

She groans as Dave looks around.

SABRINA: Giving gifts fills me with joy
Wrapping up each little toy
Eyes so brightly ooh and ah
What the f— do I get my brother-in-law?

DAVE: I like food and I like pants
And I like blue and I like music
I like sports

SABRINA: Okay…

Amy holds up a gift bag.

AMY: I got you a journal and your new perfume

DAVE: I'm not gonna give you a gift until you give me one

Sabrina makes a face.

SABRINA: Who is this man? What does he do?
I've known him ten years and I don't have a clue
Ooh, yeah

Dave inspects a candle on the mantelpiece. Sabrina walks over to Amy.

SABRINA: So what? He just, like, hangs out?

AMY: Yeah, when he's not at work.

SABRINA: What's his job again?

AMY: Oh, I forget.

SABRINA: Giving gifts fills me with joy
Wrapping up each little toy
Eyes so brightly ooh and ah
Seriously, what the hell do I get him?
Here is a shaving kit, here is a bracelet
And for my brother-in-law…

The music cuts out. Sabrina grabs something from under the tree.

SABRINA: A phone charger.

DAVE: I love it! I've always needed one of these.

SABRINA: You're so interesting.

DAVE: Where'd you get this? You're like a genius. You're really something special, Sabrina. May I hug you?

The music quietly picks up again in the background.

SABRINA: Yeah, okay.

They hug.

DAVE: You made this a really awesome Christmas. I really care about you.

AMY: Honey, stop hugging my sister.

They stop hugging.

DAVE: Oh, I'm sorry about that.

The camera pulls back from the scene as it ends and the audience applauds.

SABRINA: (Voiceover) What the fuck, do I get my brother-in-law?

Cut back to an external shot of the house.

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE

Cut to an over-the-shoulder shot of Sabrina as she walks through the set. She inspects a knife on a craft table. Kyle Mooney approaches her.

KYLE: Hey, Sabrina.

She turns to look at him.

SABRINA: Yeah?

KYLE: Um, I got an idea for you. I don't know if you're open to…

SABRINA: Sure.

A still appears on-screen which reads,
"A Nonsense Outro
by Kyle Mooney
est. 2022 emails i can't send."

KYLE: This is not what I usually do, so…

SABRINA: Okay.

KYLE: But, um, yeah.

SABRINA: Let me know what you're thinking.

KYLE: Well, I'll just do it.

SABRINA: Okay, cool.

KYLE: Um.

SABRINA: Just, like, go.

KYLE: Why's everybody always lying to me?
You gotta stop lying to me
Everybody I know is lying to me
I wish they'd stop lying to me

SABRINA: So, like, a… It's like a song?

KYLE: I mean, like, to me, the whole… It's more the spirit of, like… Why's everybody always lying to me?

SABRINA: Oh, the spirit—

KYLE: You gotta stop lying to me

SABRINA: Yeah, I don't, yeah, it's like, it's like less holiday maybe than we were going—

KYLE: Mmkay.

SABRINA: —for. The network might not get it.

KYLE: The elves keep lying to me

SABRINA: Yeah, maybe if you say the elves. Actually, yeah, if you say the elves, maybe.

KYLE: Okay, cool.

SABRINA: Cool.

KYLE: I'll type something up.

SABRINA: Okay.

KYLE: What is your email?

SABRINA: Um, let me get you my manager's info.

KYLE: No, I'd like your personal email.

SABRINA: Okay.

She laughs. Cut to some christmas lights outside a set window, then a fireplace.

WOMAN: (Voiceover) Setting for the duet with Kali Uchis.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE SET

Sabrina and Kali are sitting in front of a fireplace in the house set.

MAN: Alright, steady cam is up.

Sabrina and Kali laugh.

MAN: Alright, ladies, you ready? Here we go. Action.

Cut to an applauding audience. Cut back to Sabrina and Kali as "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" begins playing.

KALI: I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep

SABRINA: Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would've been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

KALI: I saw Mommy kissing

KALI & SABRINA: Kissing, kissing Santa Claus

KALI: Underneath the mistletoe last

KALI & SABRINA: Night
What a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

SABRINA: Oh, what a laugh it would have been

KALI: If Daddy had only seen

KALI & SABRINA: Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

The audience cheers as the shot pans up from the duo to the mantlepiece.

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE

Sean Astin, still dressed as Santa, approaches the camera.

SEAN: Ho, ho, ho! Haha! Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE SET

Cut to an establishing shot of New York City.

EBBY: Yo, Cratchit, what up?

Cut inside the house set. Ebby comes down the stairs while on the phone.

EBBY: Yes, you have work tomorrow. Why? 'Cause it's Christmas? What are we, twelve, dude?

He laughs.

EBBY: No, we have content to create.

He sits on the couch.

EBBY: Yeah, be here at nine with a ring light and Nobu breakfast sushi, okay? Alright, humbug, player. Adios.

He hangs up and sets his phone on the table. As he drifts off to sleep, a shimmering transition appears and the Spirit of Ghosted Past appears in a puff of smoke. The audience cheers.

ANNIE: Wakey-wakey.

Ebby jerks awake.

EBBY: Annie? Uh, what are you doing here?

SABRINA: I'm the Spirit of Ghosted Past. We went on five dates and I never heard from you again.

EBBY: I… got really busy at work.

ANNIE: Mm.

EBBY: And then I, and then I lost my phone.

ANNIE: No, I saw you peeping my stories.

EBBY: That's strange. That's really weird. I gotta talk to Zuck about that.

ANNIE: Look, if you didn't want to keep seeing me, you should've just told me.

EBBY: Well, I really liked you, the, what it was was I went out of town, and I went to this place with no service—

ANNIE: Ugh, shut up. You ghosted me, and it made me feel crazy, when you're the one that couldn't handle an honest conversation.

EBBY: Because telling someone you don't wanna date them is awkward AF.

ANNIE: It's worse to leave someone on read! Learn from this!

She sobs. The Spirit of Ghosted Present appears in a puff of smoke. The audience cheers.

ALLIE: Hi.

EBBY: Allie. How… how'd you get in here?

ALLIE: Oh, I figured out where you live from the breadcrumbs you left on your TikTok for me to find.

EBBY: What?

ALLIE: I haven't heard from you in a couple days. And you said we were going to see Wicked together, so here I am.

EBBY: Right. Right. Yes. I, I did say that, didn't I?

ALLIE: I am the Spirit of Ghosted Present, and is it just me, or are you ignoring me until I go away?

She laughs.

EBBY: Allie, it ain't even like that.

ALLIE: You love bombed me for a month and then I never heard from you. Is it something I did? Is it—

ANNIE: It's not you. It's him.

ALLIE: Wha— Oh, my God. Ghosted Past?

ANNIE: Wait, oh my God—

ANNIE & ALLIE: Ghosted Present.

ANNIE: I hate that we're meeting like this.

ALLIE: I know, it's crazy.

They hug.

ALLIE: I love your bangs.

ANNIE: Thank you!

ALLIE: They're cute.

ANNIE: I got them 'cause he ghosted me, so… By the way, you're about to get ghosted, too.

ALLIE: What?

EBBY: Hey, ladies, ladies, please. I'm a good guy. I'm an uncle to daughters.

ALLIE: Okay, why aren't you texting me back?

EBBY: Life has been crazy. I mean, my boy Cratchit, he's got this son with a crazy cough.

ANNIE: Bob Cratchit? You barely pay him for editing out your falls in your skateboard videos.

ALLIE: Yeah, and you invented energy-drink cologne, so we know the money is there.

EBBY: Whatever. Get off my jock.

The Spirit of Ghosted Future appears in a puff of smoke, coughing.

BRI: Woo!

The audience applauds.

BRI: Ebby?

EBBY: Hey, hi.

BRI: It's Bri, from Coachella. The Sahara tent!

EBBY: Right, Bri, yes. Hello. How is your bird?

BRI: Oh, still sick. But I'm so happy we ran into each other here.

EBBY: Yeah.

BRI: So fun.

EBBY: Yeah, wait. Let me get your number.

BRI: Oh, yeah.

ANNIE: What?

ALLIE: No.

ANNIE: No.

ALLIE: No. You're gonna get ghosted.

BRI: What?

ANNIE: You're the Spirit of Ghosted Future, babe. He's not gonna change.

BRI: But he seems so sweet.

ANNIE: Ugh, I can't believe I even liked you.

ALLIE: You know what, we should just hang out.

She gestures to the other spirits.

ANNIE & BRI: Yes!

ANNIE: Oh, my god!

EBBY: Okay, stop, stop!

He gets up from the couch.

EBBY: Please. I've seen the errors of my ways. I'm gonna text back. I'm gonna be transparent. And I'm gonna have honest conversations, even if they're the difficult ones.

He picks up his phone and dials.

EBBY: Cratchit? Hey, hombre. It's Ebby Scrooge. You don't have to make content tomorrow. It's Christmas!

BRI: It's actually no big deal. I like girls anyway.

Ebby brings over some turkey from the kitchen.

EBBY: Ladies, turkey leg for you.

Annie takes a turkey leg.

ANNIE: Oh.

EBBY: Turkey leg for you.

ALLIE: Thanks.

Allie takes a turkey leg.

EBBY: Turkey leg for you.

BRI: Is it vegan?

EBBY: Just, just take it.

Bri takes a turkey leg.

EBBY: Merry Christmas!

ANNIE, ALLIE, & BRI: And God bless us, every one!

There's an iris out cut with text which reads, "to the ghosters on the naughty list… learn from this!" Cut to the set after the scene. Sabrina and Nico Hiraga take a photo. Crew members organize the set. Cara Delevigne stands off to the side.

CARA: My mic is also in between my butt cheeks.

People laugh. Cut to Sabrina in front of the camera.

SABRINA: Cut the cam.

She walks away. Cut to Nico poking his head out from behind a wall.

NICO: What up? It's Nico. Happy holidays!

He blows the camera a kiss.

NICO: Shout out Sabrina. Thank you for having me. Merry Christmas.

He salutes. Cut to Sabrina on the couch. Cara approaches.

CARA: Hey Sabrina.

SABRINA: Hey Cara.

CARA: Are you working on the new lyrics for your "Nonsense" outro?

Cara sits on the couch. A still appears on-screen which reads,
"A Nonsense Outro
by Cara Delevingne
est. 2022 emails i can't send."

SABRINA: No, and I'm kind of worried. I'm really feeling the pressure. I just don't want to like, disappoint the fans, you know?

CARA: Don't worry. It's, it's easy, right? I've got one. Gotta give a shout out to my boy, Nick.

SABRINA: Oh.

CARA: Wouldn't let him hit it, just the cane tip
Guess I stayed consistent with my strange tricks
Right?

SABRINA: Yeah…

CARA: No? No? You can use it. Just give me ten percent.

SABRINA: It's not the worst one I've ever heard.

CARA: It's not the worst.

SABRINA: It's not.

CARA: Good. I hope I helped.

They both laugh.

CARA: Bye!

Cara gets up and walks away. Cut to the set later.

SABRINA: Take the tinsel out of your hair as soon as possible.

They laugh.

CARA: You love it!

SABRINA: I love you.

CARA: I love you too.

Cut to the analog TV. Static crackles. The camera pans left to show a mess on the floor of the house set. Cut to Chappell Roan and Sabrina coming down the stairs. "Last Christmas" begins to play as the audience cheers. Cuts back and forth between the duo and the TV show the lyrics on the screen being sung karaoke-style.

CHAPPELL: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

SABRINA: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

CHAPPELL: Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby, do you recognise me?
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

SABRINA: "Merry Christmas," I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, "I love you," I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again

SABRINA & CHAPPELL: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

SABRINA: A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

CHAPPELL: A face on lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover, but you tore me apart
Ooh
Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again

SABRINA & CHAPPELL: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Chappell holds the last note of "special" while Sabrina sings the next line.

SABRINA: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

SABRINA & CHAPPELL: But the very next day

CHAPPELL: You gave it away

SABRINA & CHAPPELL: This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone

CHAPPELL: Special

SABRINA: I'll give it to someone

CHAPPELL: Special

SABRINA: I'll give it to someone special

CHAPPELL: Special

SABRINA: Maybe next year

CHAPPELL: Maybe

CHAPPELL: A face on lover with a

SABRINA & CHAPPELL: Fire in his heart

SABRINA: Made you mine

CHAPPELL: A man undercover, but you tore him apart

SABRINA & CHAPPELL: I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special

The audience applauds. The duo laughs and runs off of the set. Cut to them posing for photos on the floor by the TV and then walking through backstage. Two dancers practice in a hallway. Sabrina approaches a clothes rack and sees an outfit with a piece of paper that has "FOR THE GIRLS" written on it. She moves it to the side to find a hangar with no clothes and a piece of paper that has "FOR THE GUY" written on it. She moves it to the side and finds an outfit with a piece of paper that has "FOR THE GAYS" written on it. She picks it up. There's an invisible cut as the shot pans past a curtain and Sabrina emerges in a new outfit. She smiles at the camera.

CUT TO: INT. HOUSE SET

Cut to a black-and-white shot of a snowglobe. Cut to Sabrina at a piano. She begins playing "Cindy Lou Who."

SABRINA: I saw you laughing in one of his pictures
But you'll be the one with his ring on your finger
There's red and green everywhere, but I'm so blue
Cindy Lou Who
Maybe he met you somewhere in the desert
While he was soul-searching, he found someone better
Guess you make him happy like I couldn't do
Cindy Lou Who

Her dress billows behind her.

SABRINA: With your hair so long, lips so red
Maybe we met once, I forget
Scrolling five years back, I'm obsessed
Breaking my heart, 'tis the season, I guess

She plays a piano solo.

SABRINA: With your hair so long, lips so red
If you're waking up now in his old bed
At his family's house, know that you're just
Breaking my heart, 'tis the season, I guess
The snow's gonna fall and the tree's gonna glisten
And I'm gonna puke at the thought of you kissin'
The boy who I love is now in love with you
Cindy Lou Who
I told all my friends, they said it can't be true
Cindy Lou Who

The audience cheers as the scene goes from black-and-white to color.

SABRINA: Good night, everybody.

She moves to leave, but turns back to the camera before getting up.

SABRINA: You didn't think I was gonna leave you crying on Christmas, did you?

She gets up and walks further into the set, taking off her outfit to reveal a different one. The audience cheers.

SABRINA: Wait. Missing something.

She snaps her hands. Wrist cuffs appear.

SABRINA: Hit it!

She snaps her fingers. "A Nonsense Christmas" begins playing. She walks over to the kitchen set and picks up a microphone.

SABRINA: It's the holiday remix

Two dancers come into frame behind her.

SABRINA: Think I only want you under my mistletoe
I might change your contact to "Has a huge North Pole"
You said you like my stockings better on the floor
Boy, I've been a bad girl, I guess I'm gettin' coal
Let me come warm you up, you been out in the snow
Baby, my tongue goes numb, sounds like, "Ho, ho, ho"

She walks to the door and lets in two more dancers.

SABRINA: I don't want Santa's elves underneath this ol' tree
Here's a little carol I wrote, it's about you and me

She sits on the couch. Two of the dancers position themselves behind the couch while the other two sit on either side of her.

SABRINA: You're my wish list
Looking at you got me thinking Christmas
Snowflakes in my stomach when we're kissing

She and the seated dancers stand up.

SABRINA: And when you're comin' down the chimney
Oh, it feels so good
I need that Charles Dickens
You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.

She and the dancers make their way out of the house set and into the studio audience.

SABRINA: I'll take you for a ride, I'll be your Vixen
I don't even know, I'm talkin' Christmas
I'm talkin', I'm talkin'

She walks through the audience to the stage set.

SABRINA: I'm talking deckin' all the halls
Spiking eggnog
Opposite of small
I'm talkin' big snowballs
You got a new toy for me
I'm out here trimming the tree
I caught that holiday glee
My true love gave it to me

She stops in the aisle to dance with one of the audience members.

SABRINA: Let me come warm you up, you been out in the snow
Baby, my tongue goes numb, it sounds like

She holds her microphone out to the audience member she's dancing with.

MAN: Ho, ho, ho!

She smiles. A dancer leads her out of the audience and onto the stage.

SABRINA: And I don't want Santa's elves underneath this ol' tree
Here's a little carol I wrote, it's about you and me
You're my wish list
Lookin' at you got me thinkin' Christmas
Snowflakes in my stomach when we're kissing
And when you're coming down the chimney
Oh, it feels so good

The audience cheers as she makes her way to the top of the stage. As she continues, the shot cuts between her, the band, the dancers, and the audience.

SABRINA: I need that Charles Dickens
You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.
I'll take you for a ride, I'll be your Vixen
I don't even know, I'm talking Christmas
I'm talkin' I'm talkin', I'm talkin'

A guitar solo begins. As it ends, cut back to Sabrina.

SABRINA: Look at all those presents, that's a big sack
Boy, that package is too big to gift wrap
Woke up this morning, thought I'd write a Chrismash
How quickly can you build a snowman?
Well, here we are my special at its ending
Love you all and thank you for attending
I can't believe I kept it family friendling

She laughs. A dancer hands her a wrapped gift.

SABRINA: Aw, thanks.

The gift begins to vibrate.

SABRINA: Oh!

She laughs.

SABRINA: Haha, oh, a massager. Thank you.

The audience laughs.

SABRINA: Wow! The Christmas spirit is so infectious. We did it all. Fire juggling, lion wrestling, a live on-camera birth. Of course, some of this stuff may have been cut out for time, but truly, this has been such a dream. Thank you to all my guests for being a part of it.

She points at the camera.

SABRINA: Thank you to you for being a part of it. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Love, Sabrina Claus.

She blows a kiss and gets up. The audience cheers. The music and dancing continue. She runs to the peak of the stage and takes a bow. An iris out cut focuses on Sabrina as text reading, "Happy Holidays" appears.

CREDITS

As the credits roll, a montage of behind-the-scenes clips from throughout the special plays. Cut to Sabrina walking through backstage.

SABRINA: They told me I could have an unlimited budget as long as I go viral, so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.

She throws a candy cane prop at a set window, but it bounces off harmlessly. She picks it up and goes to slam it against the window.

MAN: Reset, reset, no, no, no!

She stops at the last moment. Cut to her taking off her "Cindy Lou Who" dress. Part of it remains wrapped around her legs.

SABRINA: Well, we should do that one more time!

She laughs. Cut to another take. She trips and cries out as she tries to take a step. She laughs on the ground. Cut to her singing her rendition of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" as she walks through backstage.

SABRINA: It's the ho-ho-iest special of all

She continues walking in silence for a moment.

SABRINA: (Singing) The prompter stopped working so we have to start over

Cut to her and Cara on the couch.

CARA: Gotta stay consistent with my strange tricks

She laughs uproariously.

SABRINA: Yeah…

CARA: No? No? You can use it.

SABRINA: I'm not using that.

CARA: It's coming, I just need to…

SABRINA: Oh, it's coming.

CARA: Yeah.

SABRINA: I've used that, so…

Cara laughs. Cut to Chappell singing. She and Sabrina walk around the house set.

SABRINA: You look so beautiful!

CHAPPELL: I look so… straight.

SABRINA: You look so straight?

They laugh. Cut to Kyle and Jillian on the house set during "What Do I Get My Brother-In-Law."

KYLE: Did you…

MAN: Here we go! Three!

JILLIAN: No, don't say that.

KYLE: Not now!

JILLIAN: Not now!

Cut to Sabrina and Kali laughing on the house set during "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

MAN: Alright ladies, you ready? Here we go.

Cut to Kyle during "What Do I Get My Brother-In-Law." Cut to him talking to Sabrina backstage.

KYLE: This is not my, you know, my typical—

He breaks.

SABRINA: Oh, whoa.

KYLE: Let me take it again.

Sabrina laughs. Cut to her and Megan sitting together.

SABRINA: Look at me I'm hanging with Meg Stalter

MEGAN: I like being naked and having sex

There's a flash cut.

MEGAN: I like having sex naked
During sex

There's a flash cut.

MEGAN: I think I should be in, um, one of the songs.

They both crack up. Cut to Nico during the Christmas Carol sketch.

NICO: How do you appear out of the mist again?

Sabrina mimes her entrance and laughs. He mimes it back to her. Cut to Sabrina and Owen in a hallway.

OWEN: Love to don my super gay apparel

SABRINA: When you say something's gay, do you know what you're saying? Knock it off.

She walks away.

OWEN: And that's true.

Cut back to the Christmas Carol sketch. Sabrina, Quinta, and Cara are dancing.

SABRINA & QUINTA: (Singing) Please, please, please
Don't prove I'm right

CARA: Should I be singing?

QUINTA: Did you guys hear? I sounded kinda like Sabrina, right? No one?

Sabrina laughs.

Cut to Sean backstage as Santa. Cut to him and Shania during the Santa sketch.

SHANIA: We've been married four hundred years.

SEAN: Yeah, and after the first hundred we agreed to be… separate.

MEGAN: Wait, what?

Everyone laughs. There's a flash cut.

SEAN: Yeah, and after the first hundred, we agree to be separate. Open!

There's a flash cut.

SEAN: Just tickle your Elmo.

SABRINA: Open, open!

They all laugh. Cut to Sean backstage holding a cupcake.

SEAN: Ho, ho, ho. Can't even say that anymore.

Cut to Sabrina and Shania during their "Santa Baby" duet.

SHANIA: Santa baby
Slip a stable under—
Not a stable
Let's do that again

Sabrina laughs. Cut to Tyla during her entrance. Cut to her and Sabrina after their duet.

SABRINA: And that's Christmas.

TYLA: And that's Christmas.

An iris cut focuses on Sabrina. Text appears which reads, "The End."

SABRINA: Fuck.

Fade to black.

END CREDITS