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Halsey - The Professional Lyrics

I am currently seeking employment.
I am a professional holiday girlfriend.
I have great references
and highly impressive past work experiences.
I have been featured in 7 family holiday photos:
—6 Christmases
—and 1 Hanukkah.
Specialties include
my “famous brownies.”
I will:
—do the dishes
—look through baby photos with your mother
—have a long list of baby names to suggest
for the child we will never have
but your grandmother will pitifully dream about us having
before she dies.
I have:
—plenty of clean, respectable dresses
—drinking games to impress your cousins.
World-class gift giver
and wrapper
(it’s easier to nail it
when you only ever have to give one gift).
In one particularly extraordinary history,
I made a baby blanket from scratch
for a relative who was expecting.
I will never complain
about missing my family’s festivities
for your own,
and I will accept contract termination by spring.
I am 5’4”
with a perfectly straight smile
(dental records included,
no history of braces)
and I will ll any empty space
in your family photo.
Please respond before autumn.