[OLIVER, spoken]
When did we meet again?
[ARTIE, spoken]
Oh come on you remember
It was fresher's week at that 2000s throwback club night
[OLIVER, spoken]
Oh yeah, what was it called again
[ALL, spoken]
"Noughties, but nice"
[ARTIE, spoken]
Yep! And you were both giving the most intense vibes in the world
[NANCY, spoken]
What? No we weren't!
[OLIVER, spoken]
Yeah I remember that night, we were so cool and chilled
[ARTIE, spoken]
I hate to have to do this
But come on, don't you remember?
[ARTIE]
You were in the corner, you wanted to get with that guy
[NANCY]
I wanted him cause he was so dreamy
He wanted someone, I wanted it to be me
[ARTIE]
You were at the back and stood chatting to someone nearby
[OLIVER]
He wanted me, he was kinda excessive
Coming on strong and a little obsessive
[ARTIE]
Yours tried to move on
And I can tell you wanna make him jealous
[NANCY]
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen
That's how you do it
[ARTIE]
Yours gets his groove on
And I can se you wanna get to freedom
[OLIVER]
It's a no, gotta show him I'm not into him
[OLIVER & NANCY]
I look up slowly to the first person I see
I know what I must do somehow
Hear the beating of my heart
The crowd of dancers part
This is gonna happen now
[OLIVER]
Right there in the middle of the dancefloor
[NANCY]
Right where everybody in the club saw
[OLIVER]
No more words
[NANCY]
Came forwards
[OLIVER & NANCY]
And S N O Double G E D
(They snogged!)
All the people looking over with envy
(Snogged)
All the boys and the girls and the enbys
(Snogged)
It was mission accomplished
When we S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D
Yes, S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D, ah, ah
[ARTIE]
So I think your memories are selective
This is what happened from my perspective
[NANCY]
I was in the corner, I wanted to get with that guy
[ARTIE]
All night long you'd been pretty much stalking
Cornered him and you wouldn't stop talking
[OLIVER]
I was at the back and stood chatting to someone nearby
[ARTIE]
Who seems like a sweet guy, making conversation
You were acting like he was a rabid Alsatian
[NANCY]
Mine tried to move on and I thought 'well I've got to make him jealous'
[ARTIE]
He went back to his friends, you started crying
[OLIVER]
Mine got his groove on and I could see I had to get to freedom
[ARTIE]
Never seen so much sweat, I thought you were dying
Though you could barely see
You looked round desperately to find someone as trashed as you
You staggered bleary eyed
You pushed people aside
And I thought 'who the hell are these two?'
Right there in the middle of the dancefloor
Right where everybody in the club saw
It went silent as you violently S N O Double G E D
[OLIVER & NANCY]
We snogged!
So performative and weird
(Snogged)
Everyone in the vicinity cleared
(Snogged)
So messy and depressing when you S N O Double G E D
Use a queer to seduce a straight guy
Use a woman to avoid a great guy
On the fence of offensive when you S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D
Yes, S N O Double G E D
S N O Double G E D, ah, ah
[NANCY]
Is he watching?
[OLIVER]
Yes
[NANCY]
Does he look jealous?
[OLIVER]
Yes
[ARTIE]
So, yeah, when I'd see what you two did
That was the moment I concluded
Think I'll keep them just as friends
Cause something's going on and it's pretty intense
[NANCY]
To be fair now looking back, with fresh eyes
I think I'm gonna die of shame
[OLIVER]
Likewise
[ARTIE]
But I saw you chatting to your boys later that night
So I guess it all worked out
[OLIVER & NANCY]
Yeah, not quite
[OLIVER, spoken]
OK, see you around
[BOY 2, spoken]
OK, see you around
[BOY 1, spoken]
Can I add you on Facebook?
[NANCY, spoken]
Can I get your number?
[OLIVER, spoken]
Who uses Facebook anymore? It's all about Vine!
[BOY 1, spoken]
Oh, look I actually broke my phone doing the Ice Bucket Challenge
[BOY 2, spoken]
Oh yeah maybe see you at freshers' fair
[NANCY, spoken]
Yeah cool, it's chill, I'm not interested obviously
Cause I'm here with this hunky... heterosexual dude over here
[OLIVER, spoken]
Yeah... and if I'm not tired from all the boob... jobs
[NANCY, spoken]
So... hey
[OLIVER, spoken]
Oh... hey you
[NANCY, spoken]
Oh, look before this goes any further
[OLIVER, spoken]
Wait I just really need to tell you
[OLIVER & NANCY, spoken]
I don't fancy you and I never will
[NANCY, spoken]
Oh, phew
[OLIVER, spoken]
Oh, thank god
[NANCY, spoken]
I'm sorry, I was just snogging you cause of that guy
I'm sorry if that's weird of me
[OLIVER, spoken]
Oh my gosh, no, I was just snogging you ause of that guy, so you make perfect sense to me
[NANCY, spoken]
Everyone I came with has left
[OLIVER, spoken]
Oh... well I am here with the LGBT Soc, come hang with us if you want
[NANCY, spoken]
Really?
[OLIVER, spoken]
Consider yourself part of the family
[NANCY, spoken]
I'm taking to you so strong
[OLIVER, spoken]
It's clear
[NANCY, spoken]
We're
[OLIVER & NANCY, spoken]
Going to get along
[OLIVER, spoken]
No way! Am in the presence of another Oliver Exclamation Mark super fan?
[NANCY, spoken]
Er, it's only my favourite musical of all time, ever!
[OLIVER, spoken]
Favourite song?
[OLIVER & NANCY, spoken]
"I'd Do Anything"
[NANCY, spoken]
Favourite Broadway revival cast member?
[OLIVER & NANCY, spoken]
Patti LuPone
Best market seller?
ONIONS!
[OLIVER, spoken]
Look, I know we only just met but... do you trust me?
[NANCY, spoken]
With my life obviously
[OLIVER, spoken]
Ok, so, I actually downloaded the Torrent from Pirate Bay earlier this evening
I don't suppose you wanna go back to mine and watch
Oliver Exclamation Mark with me?
[NANCY, spoken]
Never before has a boy asked me to do that
I'd love to
[OLIVER, spoken]
Yay, let's go
[OLIVER & NANCY]
And then we fucked
Right there, yeah the two of us screwed
Right after "Food, Glorious Food"
Bent over the sofa and F U C K E D
Yeah, we fucked
[OLIVER & NANCY, spoken]
No we didn't actually
That's a lie