There was a mailman
I loved as a little girl.
He would stop at the communal mailbox
On the street
In the center of the apartment complex
And begin sorting mail away
Into 150 different little boxes
We lived in 1202
I would rush from my house
To greet the mailman
And he would talk to me as he worked
Filing away bills and cards and coupons
He would ask me questions
Quiz me
And give me a piece of Bazooka gum
For every question I got right
I would spin around and crush my sneakers
rocking up and down on my toes
I would curl one piecе of hair
Around my finger while I thought of the answеrs
I would slide my tongue between my teeth
and the windows where they were missing
And between every mailbox
The mailman would look at me and smile
He’d pat me on the cheek
And tell me
That I was as smart as he was.
As smart as any man.
And I believed him.
Because why wouldn’t I?
I was 8.
I knew that George Bush would win the election.
I knew the Pythagorean theorem.
I read 300 books from the public library
And I could draw every animal by memory.
I liked him ’cause he gave me chewing gum
And talked to me in his low voice
Calm and soft
Not the shrill, high-pitched voice
They would use on my baby brother.
One day the mailman didn’t show up for work
I ran out and stopped in my tracks
There was a different man there
I asked if my friend was sick
The imposter ignored me
The new mailman showed up a few days in a row
The kids in the neighborhood said
The old one had a heart attack in a bowl of spaghetti
And died with noodles up his nose
I cried
One Wednesday I ran out to the new mailman
And asked if he had any gum
He told me to stay away
Because he didn’t want to get in trouble like Charlie
I didn’t know my friend’s name was Charlie
And I didn’t know how I could have gotten him in trouble
So I asked my mom
How you could give someone a heart attack
And she rubbed her head
and stretched her feet across the couch and said,
“It feels like you’re gonna give me one right now.”
I didn’t want my mom to die too.
So I hid in my room
And I cried
Because I was 8
And a murderer.